Category Archives: Girls

Oh Look, Miley Cyrus With a Penis Cake

 

It’s Miley Cyrus!  Isn’t she so fun and comedic?  It’s her boyfriends birthday, so what does she do to celebrate his important day?  Does she buy him a car?  Take him on a tropical vacation?  Agree to a threesome?  No.  She buys him a penis cake and takes a billion provocative pictures with it that made their way all over the internet.  Classy.  If I was her boyfriend there would have been a domestic disturbance later that night.

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Woman Offers Sexual Favors for Chicken McNuggets

Burbank Leader –  A Los Angeles woman was arrested after she offered sexual favors in exchange for chicken McNuggets, Burbank police said.  Khadijah Baseer of Los Angeles reportedly opened customers’ car doors in the drive-thru of McDonald’s on the 1700 block of Olive Avenue about 11 p.m. Wednesday, asking for free chicken McNuggets in exchange for sexual favors, Officer Joshua Kendrick said.   A man told police Baseer approached him but he refused the offer.

What is going on with these fast food stories?  First, in a sign that the apocalypse is among us, Burger King decides to deliver, now we have prostitutes forcefully giving head for chicken McNuggets in the drive thru.  What the fuck are they putting in the chickens to make this woman bug out?  I mean, what we have here is a chickenhead, fucking for some chicken, and that’s a sentence I never thought I’d ever write in my life.  But come on Khadijah…McNuggets?  Really?  It’s like a dollar for four of these fuckers.  Blowjobs for a dollar’s worth of food?  Come on, you’re better than that.  At least try and get a few McDoubles out of the situation.  Something classy like angus burgers might be out of the question, but anything is better than McNuggets.  And if you do want to pull this off for sexual favors, you need to execute it better.  You don’t just run up on the drive thru and start opening doors and asking for nuggets while cupping their nuggets.  That’s poor form.

PS – Some guy really refused this offer and called the cops?  Come on.  I mean, if you don’t want a blowjob for cheap, then just politely say no and go home and eat your McDonald’s.  There’s no reason to get the police involved.  Then you’re just ruining it for the rest of us.

Rihanna Caught Smoking Weed

Hell yeah, get it girl.  Is there anything Rihanna does that isn’t awesome?  Whether she’s strutting her shit on the stage or taking a blunt to the face on vacation, she makes it look perfect.  Easily at the top of the list for celebrities I wouldn’t mind meeting and drooling over.  And now that I know that she’s a pothead I think I just fell in love.  There’s something about a gorgeous girl that smokes that just does it for me.

Someone cue the sexy music while I light this shit…

Crazy woman Poses Naked With Dead Horse

KOIN –  Washington County investigators have chosen not to file charges in a disturbing incident involving pictures released on the internet of a Portland-area woman and her boyfriend with a dead horse.   The 21-year-old woman told Washington County Sheriff’s Office detectives she wanted to “feel one” with a horse, according to a WCSO incident report.   After the horse had been put down and gutted, the woman undressed and crawled inside the carcass of the dead horse and took pictures to prove it.   “At some point you in your career you say yeah I’ve seen a lot of bad stuff — you see this kind of picture and you realize maybe you haven’t seen everything, ” said Washington County Sgt. Dave Thompson.

I’m with the Sarge on this one.  Just when you think you’ve seen it all, huh?  Since I started this site, I’ve come across some pretty crazy stories and tried joking about them in some way.  From dolphin sex to guys married to mannequins and sex dolls, I’ve felt like nothing would surprise me if I read about it online.  But I’m speechless right now.  Really bitch?  You’re really gonna strip naked and jump into the carcass of a dead horse?  Why?  That’s just disgusting.  I don’t think this is a sexual thing?  Maybe it is.  Pretty kinky and foul if it is.  I don’t want to know what kind of images pop up on Google if you type in “dead horse porn” but I have a feeling it’s something I’d never be able to unsee, therefore I’m not checking it out.  This is one of those stories I just have to shake my head at and chalk it up to this crazy fucked up world we live in and move on.

PS – How do you date this chick?  This batshit crazy chick has a boyfriend…meanwhile I can’t get a girl to look at me even if I have a wad of cash stuck in my zipper.  Fuck that.

Meet Shithead…The Most Interesting Woman in the World

So I think this is an online dating video, but I really don’t care, it has Shithead in it.  She may pronounce it Sha-teead, but this chicks name is Shithead and I love it.  Now, forget about her ghetto name.  Because the best part of this whole scenario is Shithead’s outrageous claims like only being able to count t 6, her brother is Bono, she’s never seen a flower, and she doesn’t believe in gravity.  Clearly, this woman is either retarded or hysterical, maybe both.  But this is the most entertaining dating video I’ve ever seen in my life.  Someone find me Shithead!  We need to be making videos like this for the site.  And if I have to date her, no big deal.  Apparently this Shithead is immune to AIDS and only likes anal.  Count me in.

PS – Highlight of the video for me?  “I’m Shithead and I do a black flip!”

Meet the 3 Year-Old Girl That Eats Lightbulbs and Bricks

DailyMail –  Natalie Hayhurst, 3, is at constant risk of poisoning herself because of a rare condition which gives her cravings for inedible objects.  In February she nearly died after eating a lightbulb that she tore from a bedroom night-light.  Her mother Colleen, 31, says every day is a constant battle of wills as she tries to stop her daughter eating something that could kill her.  Colleen said: ‘She doesn’t try to eat glass so much since it hurt her, but she will try and eat rocks and sticks she finds in the garden.  ‘I have had to call this poison helpline so many times that it’s on my speed dial. You name it Natty’s tried to eat it.  ‘She can eat a brick like a normal person would eat a chocolate chip cookie.  ‘She knows these things are bad for her, me and my husband David have discussed how harmful it is with her.  ‘But the cravings are too much for a three year old to handle. She will actively seek out this stuff even though she knows not to.’  Natalie has Pica, a condition characterised by an appetite for non-nutritive substances.

This is why I don’t see myself being a good parent.  If I had to deal with this shit I really don’t know what the hell I’d do.  Oh, my daughter likes to eat bricks and lightbulbs?  Where can I return her?  Something’s wrong with her and if I have to show a receipt I will.  I don’t understand this.  The mother says how tough it is to raise a kid that likes to eat bricks.  No shit?  But last I checked that was your daughter.  You’ve gotta rub her face in it or something like a dog, I don’t know, I’m not a parent.  What I do know though is that this shit needs to stop.  If your kid can actually chew through a brick, then you don’t have a daughter, you have a Gremlin ready to fuck shit up.  There’s not enough patience in the world to deal with a kid that walks around the house looking for objects to eat that could kill her.  Know how bad of a parent I would be?  I’d just let her keep doing it.  Fuck it, if it doesn’t kill her it’s okay.  Might even take her on the talk show circuit, sign her up for some freak shows and sell the rights to her movie so I could pay for all the bricks she was eating.

Mrs. Brady Talks About Getting Crabs From Former New York Mayor

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So Florence Henderson played Mrs. Brady on The Brady Bunch back in the day and was a hot little piece of ass apparently.  She’s doing a book tour for her memoir’s and she keeps on talking about how she got crabs from former New York mayor John Lindsay.  I have a problem with that.  This guy has been dead for over a decade but that doesn’t mean this bitch should be talking about the time he gave her crabs.  Some things are sacred.  In press conferences you don’t talk about religion, politics, or who gave you STDs once upon a time.  I’d be pissed if I croak and then girls come out of the woodwork talking about the time I gave them syphilis or ghonnorea.  Some shit should stay between the sheets is all I’m saying.  What happened to the days where you get your prescription in shame and never talk about it again?  Now we have tell-all memoirs where even crabs can come up and be talked about on national TV.  And I thought I could trust Mrs. Brady to do the right thing.  Guess not.

IKEA Debuts “Manland” – A Daycare For Men

That’s right, IKEA has started to construct daycares for men who don’t want to shop with their wives.  I really don’t know how to feel about this.  On one hand, guys can finally get out of shopping with their wives and do something much more fulfilling, like playing XBox or eating a free hot dog.  On the other hand, you’re dropped off like a child and get picked up in a half hour by your girlfriend who just spent $700 on a couch you have to put together by yourself.  This may just be the greatest deception of all time by the female gender.  For decades women have tried dragging their husbands along with them to shop on the weekends.  Usually they’d have to agree to sex, or let them watch the football game with no interruption in exchange for a day of shopping.  But now that these Manlands exist, men will be expected to come along shopping and if they complain it will be WW3.  I believe its our God-given right as men to complain about going shopping.  Now that there are arcade games, free food and televisions to keep us entertained, if we complain we end up looking like assholes.  I see what you’re doing IKEA, and I don’t like it.

20-Year-Old Girl Arrested AGAIN For Sex With 14 Year-Old

Daily Mail –  A babysitter facing charges of sexual assault on a child is now accused of having sex with a second 14-year-old boy.  Loni Bouchard, 20, of Clinton, Connecticut, was arrested yesterday accused of having an inappropriate relationship with a teenager in November last year.  Bouchard was also arrested three months ago for having sex with another 14-year-old who she babysat early in 2011 and plied with alcohol and marijuana allegedly supplied by her mother.  Southington police confirmed that they arrested Bouchard on the fresh sexual assault charges and that she is being held on $25,000 bail.  Bouchard’s lawyer said today she is in counselling and hopes people will not pre-judge her.  In July, Bouchard was arrested following a three-month investigation into her relationship with a boy she babysat regularly.  According to police records, Bouchard repeatedly stayed over at the home of the boy, and offered him alcohol and marijuana in addition to having sex with him.  When the boy’s mother discovered their relationship through Facebook messages, she notified police.  Court records reveal details of evidence seized that included a notebook with a photo of Justin Bieber on the cover that Bouchard had used as a journal detailing her relationship with the most recent 14-year-old.  In the handwritten notes Bouchard writes about the ‘amazing’ sex she had with the boy and professed her love for him.  Babysitter’s seduction: Loni Bouchard is accused of having a sexual relationship with a 14-year-old boy who she was hired to look after.  ‘I know there is a five-year age difference, but why does it have to matter?’ she wrote in the journal. ‘I don’t care about the law.  I just want to be with him and not have to hide it.  ‘How can the law tell us who to fall for, who to like and who to love and especially who to date? I thought America was a free country.

I first saw this story about Loni Bouchard a few months ago and it peaked my interest.  Good story about a hot babysitter banging some lucky 14 year old.  She was getting in trouble for it and I thought then that it was stupid.  Yeah, the kid was 14 but it’s not like this chick was 40.  But I couldn’t turn a blind eye to this shit happening again.  Really, again Loni?  You’re gonna get out on bail and fuck another 14 year old?  Look, I’m not the one to judge who someone fucks around with, but something is telling me there’s something seriously wrong with this chick.  She’s a pretty attractive girl and banging 14 year olds like they’re the new 20.  I don’t get it.  Not only that, but she’s writing about them in a journal and professing her love for them.  Something tells me she’s a few fries short of a Happy Meal.  But I gotta say, this chick is right.  Isn’t this America?  Shouldn’t we be allowed to hump what we want if it’s consensual?  Either way, this second “victim” had to love the fact this chick starts talking to him.  He knows it’s a sure thing.  But I’m telling you bro, I know crazy chicks….and Loni Bouchard is fucked three ways to Sunday.  Get out while you can and be glad you have an awesome story to tell throughout high school.
PS – Beer, weed, sex.  Greatest babysitter in the history of babysitters.

Redheads Turned Down at World’s Largest Sperm Bank

Huffington Post –   The largest sperm bank in the world is saying no thanks to potential redheaded sperm donors.  Cryos International sperm bank has started to turn down redheaded applicants because of a lack of demand, The Telegraph reports.  The Atlantic wonders if the lack of demand could be because of the teasing redheaded children sometimes have to put up with.  But, this sort of parental selection is on the rise. Earlier in the month a Times piece noted that patients in the United States can choose sperm donors “based not only on their height, hair color and ethnicity but also on their academic and athletic accomplishments, temperament, hairiness and even the length of a donor’s eyelashes.”

This is bullshit.  I, for one, am outraged!  How are you going to turn away a redheaded sperm donor?  I mean, I know, guy’s with red hair usually look like clowns.  That’s a given.  But look at what can be made when you mix in some red hair and female genes.

Gorgeous.  You take away redheaded sperm donors and you take away my favorite thing to look at it in the world.  Look, if you’re going to a sperm bank, I can see how you’d want the best of the best sperm available.  But that’s not how sex works.  You can’t meet someone at a bar and be able to tell right away how long your kids’ eyelashes or dick will be once they’ve popped out.  Why should sperm banks be any different?  I think it should be a crap shoot.  You want a kid?  You got it…here’s hoping daddy isn’t a felon.  Redheads, take stand!  If I were you I’d start a guerrilla campaign to get massive amounts of ginger sperm in this bank.  Just start chucking cups of it at the building.  Mail them some baby batter in envelopes.  Wear a wig.  Something.  The fate of my fascination with redheads could very well lie in the hands of you.