Monthly Archives: April 2011

WTF of the Day: Monkey Tail Beards on Hipsters

So this is a new fad I guess?  Fucking hipsters.  I really can’t stand people that wear shit or do shit like this with their hair or facial hair just for the attention.  There really isn’t another reason to go out in public with something like this on your face.  Its like they are so weird socially that they think this is a good conversation piece or some shit.  Like its the only way they can think of to get someones attention.  And instead of it working like they want and making it seem like they’re funny or crazy, it makes you look like a douchebag that gets made fun of a lot.  I’m a beard man myself, but not even I can back this shit.  It’s just annoying.  After 5 minutes of talking to someone looking like this you’d want to stab him in the throat.  And here’s how the conversation would go…

  • First 30 seconds, awkward laughter while talking about monkey tail beard
  • 1st minute, mentions his favorite indy-pop-rock-emo band, asks what your favorite band is, he scoffs
  • 3rd minute, mentions how his local internet cafe is superior to Starbucks
  • 4th minute, discusses why skinny jeans are better than baggy or regular fit
  • 5th minute, you stab him in the neck with your keys

So you’ve been warned, creepy monkey tail beard freaks…if I see you in public I will most likely bottle you right over the head.  I have a feeling I’m gonna see one of these guys in downtown Boston soon.  Probably an Emerson kid too.  I’m waiting patiently.


The Only Thing “Royal” I’ll Mention…Prince Charles Breakdancing in the 80’s

Alright, so I really don’t understand what the big fuss is over this Royal Wedding?  I mean, I don’t think England is even taking this thing as seriously as the American media.  We don’t fucking live there, so why do we care if a prince marries some college slut?  You think England was waking up at the ass crack of dawn to watch Chelsea Clinton get married?  No.  Instead, Americans act like this is a fucking party they should have been invited to but weren’t, yet still plan on partying like they were.  So fuck you Royal Wedding enthusiasts.  Instead of watching the wedding of people I’ve never cared about at all in my life, I’ll watch this breakdancing video on a loop.  Honestly, Prince Charles wrecked that shit.  Just absolutely perfecting made up dance moves on the spot.  Popping, locking, dropping and rocking.  Clearly outdanced these two black youths.  That’s why he should be king.

Bruins Eliminate Montreal Canadiens…FUCK YEAH!

It’s about time we won in a game 7 amiiright?  Okay, so besides the fact that the refs were trying to give Montreal the series for the last 3 games, that was one entertaining series.  Might as well been for the cup.  Hated rivals, battling back and forth all series.  Tim Thomas coming up huge every night, Kelly had some great goals, Horton with some finishes.  Great stuff.  But I swear to God, if we would have lost because of that phantom high stick power play goal, there would have been riots in the streets.  I’ve honestly never seen officiating in the NHL that was so lop-sided in favor toward another team for an entire series.  It was so frustrating but it made each win that much sweeter.  I honestly can’t wait for the next few weeks.  Celts and Bruins in the playoffs.  It’s a great time to be a Boston sports fan.

Real Life Kung-Fu Panda

Well that’s the coolest panda I’ve ever seen.  Just wrecking shit and taking names all over the place.  He was practically screaming, “Oh, you want me to amuse you?  Try this on for size!”  Then he proceeded to take a tree down and barrel roll like a motherfucker.  Gasps, laughs, awws.  This fucking panda could put on a show.  He’s a real life Kung-Fu Panda, and he knows it.  Just flipping, climbing and rolling like a champ.  Just taunting everyone with his elegance and poise.  Now if only this bear could teach the Bruins how to win like him, we’ll be all set.

Someone Hire Me This Actor!

**SLOW CLAP**  Brad, you are fucking hired!  Even though I have absolutely no idea how I can afford someone of your caliber, or even what I’d have you do, I need your services here at  I don’t give a fuck that you look like kids I made fun of in high school.  I don’t care that your face makes me want to punch it.  I don’t even mind that you have little to no discernible acting skills.  These things really don’t matter on the internet.  I mean, this type of acting reel is gold.  10 years from now people are still gonna be watching this video, laughing at you in your awkward poses and thanking God they don’t have your voice.  That translates into hits, hits lead to money, money leads to bitches.  So let’s fucking go Brad.  I’ll have you do videos left and right if I had you in my stable.  Job security like a motherfucker Brad.  Let’s do this.

Man Arrested in Cemetary on Meth…Wearing Only a Raiders Jacket, a G-String, a Scrunchie and Socks

KCRA –  Lodi police arrested Shawn Batie, 42, at 9:41 p.m. on Friday night after they said he was found under the influence of methamphetamines.Officers responded to a call in the area of Beckman Road just north of Harney Lane where a man later identified as Batie was found standing in the dirt next to the cemetery with a flashlight, yelling in the dark.  Police said that Batie was wearing an Oakland Raiders jacket, a g-string and a hair scrunchie around his genitals. He was also wearing socks.

Well this image is running vividly through my head right now.  Bravo, sir!  I mean, I’m not gonna judge anyone’s vices and what they do to get a buzz on, far be it for me to cast the first stone.  But this might just take the cake as one of the craziest things a police officer must see.  Imagine patrolling around the local cemetery only to hear screams.  Then when you investigate those screams you see something straight out of a Will Ferrell movie.  Oakland Raiders jacket to keep you comfy in your meth trip…check.  G-String for the mobility and freedom of one’s package on meth…check.  Scrunchie to keep said genitals extra warm…check.  And I love it how they just nonchalantly mention he was wearing socks too.  Thank God.  No one wants to get fucked up on meth, yell in a cemetary half naked, and not have your feet protected from that dirt.  Gotta love this guys style.

Celtics Sweep Knicks, Bruins Up 3-2 on Habs, Sox Win 5 in a Row

Damn it’s fucking good to be a Boston sports fan.  This is one of the best times of the year when all of our teams are clicking on all cylinders.  The Celtics looked godly in their first series.  Complete dominance in New York.  Pierce, Allen, Rondo, Garnett, were all on fire.  They made a series that was supposed to be interesting look like JV versus Varsity.  Miami is in for a rude awakening next round.  And how bout them Bruins?  Holy shit.  Game 4 was one of the best Bruins games I’ve seen in recent memory.  They were scrappy in the last two games and are going in for the kill.  It’s good to see them turning things around after some sloppy play.  And the Red Sox are finally making their rounds on  Look, I’m a huge fan of the Sox, but this season hasn’t even felt like its begun yet, and in the blink of an eye we were the laughing stock of the league their for a little bit.  But now they have a nice little streak going, the pitching has got better and the bats are coming around.  This season is far from over.

PS: For those that question my allegiance to Boston sports, here’s exhibit A,B and C.

So Bruins, I PLEAD YOU, give me a reason to add the Bruins to this piece next.  Stanley cup or bust.  The internet has my word, the minute the Bruins win the Cup I’m making an appointment the next day to get the tattoo.  It’s been far too long of a wait.

SickBuck is Back, Baby!

The move went well and am almost completely settled into this kickass apartment.  I haven’t had much time to think, let alone blog, but I’m fucking back at it.  Slowly but surely I will be back in full asshole mode, but its kind of hard to be so cynical in writing when everything is going so good.  But fuck it, play like a champ right?  Let’s do this shit.  By the way, ladies, swing by the new place.

Move In Day Special: “It’s a Party” Baby

I woke up today and did this same exact routine.  It’s moving day and I’m pretty psyched.  So this is a warning, I’ll be unable to update the site for a few days at least, depending on how long it takes me to get internet up and running in the new apartment.  Either way, stay Sick and read some old posts, they’re still awesome.  “It’s a PARTYYYYYY!”

Why the World Hates America: “The Slobstopper”

Bibs aren't just for babies anymore, huh?  Jesus Christ.  This is exactly why people laugh at America.  We're a superpower whose population consists of people that actually would buy this product.  How do you expect to be respected in the UN when you're representing people who buy Snuggies and ShamWows.  And the people that make this product are assholes for this commercial, straight up.  Okay, you wanna make a bib for adults to wear around because they're retarded and can't handle drinking or eating like a normal person, fine.  But don't make it seem like girls are giving you the "fuck me" eyes when they see you made the right move and wore a bib before you tackled your morning coffee.  Any girl that sees a guy in a bib is walking the other way immediately 95% of the time.  And guess what?  People are still gonna buy this thing no matter how ridiculous it looks.  Someone just saw that commercial and said "finally!"  And that scares me.  It really proves that we as a country, species, etc. are de-evolving at a rapid rate.  It's only a matter of time before we go backwards as a society and start shitting the bed.  I'm warning you now America, if I see anyone with one of these on I'm getting a picture, you'll be on the site, and you'll be ridiculed.  Also, I'll probably throw something at you to test the durability of the slobstopper.