Monthly Archives: January 2012

Princess the Camel Picks Giants over Patriots in the Super Bowl

Huffington Post –  Princess, the star of New Jersey’s Popcorn Park Zoo, has correctly picked the winner of five of the last six Super Bowls. She went 14 and 6 predicting regular season and playoff games this year, and has a lifetime record of 88-51.  Her pick this year: The New York Giants.  The Bactrian camel’s prognostication skills flow from her love of graham crackers. Zoo general manager John Bergmann places a cracker and writes the name of the competing teams on each hand. Whichever hand Princess nibbles from is her pick. On Wednesday, she made her pick with no hesitation at all, predicting bad news for Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and the New England Patriots, even though the Las Vegas oddsmakers have New England favored by about 3 points.  Her only miscue in the big game was picking the Indianapolis Colts over the New Orleans Saints two years ago, indicating that even camels know it’s generally risky to go against Peyton Manning.

I was completely ready to send one of my minions straight to Popcorn Park Zoo in New Jersey to kill the fuck out of Princess the camel.  I had my finger on the button, ready to bust out the big guns.  I’ve had to hear 24/7 about the rematch of the century between my beloved Pats and the god damn Giants for the past week.  And then this?  You can only push a man to the brink so many times before he snaps, and a fucking camel telling me my Patriots would lose to the Giants was my limit.  But I set my phone down calmly, read the article again, and know exactly what’s going on here.  Princess is a Manning lover.  It’s blatantly obvious now.  This bitch picked the Colts over the Saints in the Super Bowl?  No one thought that shit was gonna happen.  No one.  And now she picks Eli to ruin the Super Bowl again?  God damnit, not on my watch.  I promised myself I wasn’t going to get angry.  I promised myself I wasn’t going to let a dumb ass camel get the best of me.  But for the next week, it’s US vs. THEM.  There’s a line drawn in the sand, you’re either with us or against us.  I don’t care if it’s a camel, if she picks against the Pats, she’s public enemy #1.  So the camel hunt is back on.  $1 million to the first person to send me the hump of Princess on a silver platter.  It should make for a good spread at my Super Bowl party.

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Are You High? Do You Want Your Mind Blown? Stare At This

1) Stare at the Red Dot for 30 seconds

2) Stare at a plain surface (a wall, ceiling, etc.)

3) Blink repeatedly

4) Get your mind blown

 

I’m not even high but feel like I should be.  My mind’s playing tricks on me and shit.

“Show Me ‘His Schlong!'”

When did Family Feud start asking stoned college kids what their top answers would be to a category?  Steve Harvey looked like he was about to explode when 3 people answered “his schlong.”  Not to mention granny was appalled, and the hot chick was pissed at herself for not guessing the first thing that popped into her head.  But it’s not like you can disagree with the three assholes that answered schlong.  Of course pilots are holding their dicks on long flights.  Hell, I hold mine on long car rides.  If they didn’t I’d be as shocked as grandma Marion there.

Oh Look, Miley Cyrus With a Penis Cake

 

It’s Miley Cyrus!  Isn’t she so fun and comedic?  It’s her boyfriends birthday, so what does she do to celebrate his important day?  Does she buy him a car?  Take him on a tropical vacation?  Agree to a threesome?  No.  She buys him a penis cake and takes a billion provocative pictures with it that made their way all over the internet.  Classy.  If I was her boyfriend there would have been a domestic disturbance later that night.

Someone Find Me This Church Singer Now!

Fuck yea!  This guy has “it” and I want some.  His performance is electric.  His vibrato is unparalleled, his falsetto is spectacular, and his confidence is unmatched.  I like how he tried to be humble and say he wore out the other church singer in competitions.  Talk that shit bro!  You’ve earned it.  I need this guy in my life, and I needed him yesterday.  “Looking For a City” is gonna tear up the music charts, that I can guarantee you.  Sure, he fumbled through the beginning and probably wanted to choke the piano player, but it doesn’t matter.  It also doesn’t matter that he almost gave up at the end, because he powered through that shit.  His showmanship is fucking amazing, and I need him in my corner, singing for me while I blog.  The two of us could be the new Simon and Garfunkle, and until he partners up with me I’ll feel like my life is incomplete.

The New England Patriots Are Super Bowl Bound in a Rematch of the Century!

In what had to be one of the most nerve-wracking playoff games I’ve seen in a long time, the New England Patriots defeated the Baltimore Ravens 23-20, clawing their way to their 5th Super Bowl in 11 years.  It was a true example of old school NFL defense versus new school NFL offense, and these teams were two of the best examples of each.  Tom Brady led the best offense in the NFL to another Super Bowl appearance even though his stat line wasn’t too appealing.  He finished 22/36 for 239 yards, with 2 INTs and no touchdowns.  Through most of the game, Baltimore’s defense was holding the Pats to field goals and made the most out of their turnovers when it counted.

It was a game of inches and both teams had their fair share of bad plays.  From Woodhead fumbling on the return kickoff, to Flacco throwing an interception to Brandon Spikes late in the game, both teams had plenty of plays they wish they could have back.  For New England, it had to be a long interception batted in the end zone and picked off from the bad play action pass.  The Pats took the ball late into the 4th with a 3 point lead and had a chance to run the clock out, but were forced to punt back to Baltimore with 2 minutes left.  The Ravens drove far down the field and put up a hell of an effort to almost win the game outright.  Flacco attempted to hit Lee Evans in the end zone with 30 seconds left, which would have cemented a victory for them, but Sterling Moore broke up the sure touchdown.  Instead, they had to call in Billy Cundiff for a 32 yard field goal to tie the game and send it into overtime.  And like a scene out of a movie he shanked it wide left and gave the Pats a win.  I haven’t seen someone choke so bad since the Yankees in 04.  They went from almost winning the game, to losing the game in a matter of seconds.

But looking back on it, I couldn’t be more proud of the Pats with this win.  Tom Brady said it himself, he came out and played badly.  He threw 2 picks, and didn’t register a touchdown, his first game without one in 36 games.  But the rest of the team stepped their game up and won this game for #12.  He single-handedly won us games in the regular season, but this one was a team effort.  From Wilfork causing constant pressure on Flacco, to Spikes interrupting the run and getting a huge interception, and BGE running effectively early on.  The defense did exactly what they had to, and held the Ravens to only 20 points all game.  Did the Ravens blow the game?  Absolutely.  They could have had a touchdown late, and they should have had a field goal to tie it, but they blew both.  But I’ll take it, and so will the Patriots.

And in another nail biter with equally crazy plays, the New York Giants defeated the San Francisco 49ers to win the NFC Championship.  This is the rematch of the century, as New York was the only team to beat the 2007 Patriots, in the Super Bowl, in the final seconds.  That game is still fresh in all of our memories, and I expect the Pats to be fueled up to avenge that loss.  We have two weeks until then, and we’ll need it to prepare.  The Giants beat us in a heart breaker at home earlier this year, but we’ve won 10 straight since.  I know for sure the Pats will outscore the Giants, that isn’t even a question.  The whole team seems hungry, and Brady is gonna come back with a vengeance after his lackluster performance.

* Tough day for the Harbaugh family, huh?

* Gronkowski’s ankle better be good to go in 2 weeks

* Bob Kraft was definitely drunk when receiving the trophy

*Billy Cundiff will be stabbed by Ray Lewis in his sleep tonight

 

Man Claims It Was Really a Ghost That Punched His Wife

Huffington Post –  Rather than say “The Devil made me do it,” a Wisconsin man arrested on domestic abuse charges told police that a ghost punched his wife, authorities said.  Police responded to the disturbance call at approximately 8 p.m., Sunday, according to a Fond du Lac County Sheriff’s report obtained by The Smoking Gun. At the scene they found 41-year-old Michael West and his wife, who told cops that her husband twice attempted to strangle her and struck her in the face when she attempted to contact 911.  West told authorities that his wife sustained injuries as a result of several falls, The Northwestern reports. When an officer pressed the issue, West allegedly changed his alibi, opting instead for a supernatural excuse — “A ghost did it.”  West is charged with domestic abuse, strangulation, battery, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest. He remains in custody in lieu of $1,000 bail.

Michael West, you sand-bagging sonofabitch!  This has to take the cake for one of the best domestic abuse excuses ever.  I’m never gonna sit here and say that someone should get out of jail if they are found guilty of hitting their wife.  But if there’s ever a time where someone’s excuse for hitting their wife should get the charges dropped, then it’s this instance.  It’s just a great line,“a ghost did it.”  It’s so perfect.  It can be applied to literally anything.  Why were you smoking weed?  “A ghost did it.”  Why did you steal that car?  “A ghost did it.”  Why are you strangling your wife?  “A fucking ghost did it.”  How can you prove otherwise?  Sure, their may be witnesses or physical evidence that can prove your guilt, but can anyone disprove that a ghost really did it?  Some kind of spiritual entity could have done it, and that’s all I’d need to know if I was on a jury.  It’s the job of the state to prove within a reasonable doubt that someone is guilty of said crime.  If they can’t prove a ghost didn’t do it then you must acquit.  I’ll be waiting anxiously to see if this excuse works, but you better believe that I’m trying it out the next time I have a run in with the cops.

Hawaii 5-0’s Subway Product Placement is Retarded

Product placement is nothing new, television and movies have been subtle for years and slipped in a strategically placed Pepsi sign or Tampax ad in the background of a set.  People are supposed to subconsciously want to buy that product, and no one is really harmed in the end because fuck it, it was just a small Pepsi sign the character walked in front of.  But Hawaii 5-0 blatantly spit in every viewers face and pockets millions from Subway in this short clip.  What you see in this video is nothing more than a commercial for Subway slapped in the middle of an episode.  Now, I don’t watch this piece of shit show, but I’m guessing this fat fuck eating at a table with Subway products littered everywhere wasn’t a major plot point for the episode.  Not only that, but the dialogue was exactly what you’d find in an actual Subway commercial.  Which means this is about as blatant as you can get.  The balls on these guys!  Whether they know it or not, they’re setting a precedent with this product placement.  If people don’t revolt, pretty soon shows will be 12 minutes long with 20 minutes of commercials sprinkled into dialogue.  It’s almost as disgusting as this fat guy eating 5 subs like it ain’t no thing.

Woman Offers Sexual Favors for Chicken McNuggets

Burbank Leader –  A Los Angeles woman was arrested after she offered sexual favors in exchange for chicken McNuggets, Burbank police said.  Khadijah Baseer of Los Angeles reportedly opened customers’ car doors in the drive-thru of McDonald’s on the 1700 block of Olive Avenue about 11 p.m. Wednesday, asking for free chicken McNuggets in exchange for sexual favors, Officer Joshua Kendrick said.   A man told police Baseer approached him but he refused the offer.

What is going on with these fast food stories?  First, in a sign that the apocalypse is among us, Burger King decides to deliver, now we have prostitutes forcefully giving head for chicken McNuggets in the drive thru.  What the fuck are they putting in the chickens to make this woman bug out?  I mean, what we have here is a chickenhead, fucking for some chicken, and that’s a sentence I never thought I’d ever write in my life.  But come on Khadijah…McNuggets?  Really?  It’s like a dollar for four of these fuckers.  Blowjobs for a dollar’s worth of food?  Come on, you’re better than that.  At least try and get a few McDoubles out of the situation.  Something classy like angus burgers might be out of the question, but anything is better than McNuggets.  And if you do want to pull this off for sexual favors, you need to execute it better.  You don’t just run up on the drive thru and start opening doors and asking for nuggets while cupping their nuggets.  That’s poor form.

PS – Some guy really refused this offer and called the cops?  Come on.  I mean, if you don’t want a blowjob for cheap, then just politely say no and go home and eat your McDonald’s.  There’s no reason to get the police involved.  Then you’re just ruining it for the rest of us.

59 Dolphins “Mysteriously” Stranded on Cape Cod Beaches

NYDailyMail –  Animal welfare experts are trying to figure out what’s causing dozens of dolphins to get stranded on the beaches in Cape Cod this month.  A whopping 59 dolphins have been found onshore as of Tuesday, experts say. Of those 59, rescuers have been able to release 19 back in the water, Kerry Branon of the International Fund for Animal Welfare, which oversees the rescues, told the Daily News.  Experts said the sheer number of dolphins stranding is unusual — even for an area that has seen dolphins wash ashore for centuries.  “I’ve been doing this for 15 years and this is only the second season I’ve seen it like this,” Katie Moore, manager of the International Fund for Animal Welfare’s Marine Mammal Rescue and Research Program, told the Boston Globe.

You know why you’ve never seen anything like this Katie Moore?  It’s because there’s never been anyone on the internet that’s willing to take a stand against dolphins like I am.  And I don’t mean to keep beating a dead horse, but this story only confirms what I feared.  These dolphins are coming for me.  It’s not a coincidence that I come back out of unofficial retirement on this site, publish an article about dolphins, and then these fuckers start kamikaze beaching themselves right in my own back yard.  The Cape ain’t far from here, so I’m pretty sure the dolphin race is sending out scout dolphins to pinpoint exactly where I am.  I’m a threat to these raping assholes and they’re trying to snuff me out.  But I will never, and I repeat NEVER, back down to these porpoise fucks.  For decades they’ve cashed in on their cuteness and gotten away with raping humans every chance they got.  I’m not sitting back and letting it happen.  If I convert one person with these hyperbolic rants then I’ll have done my job.  I see you dolphins, I know you’re coming for me, but I’m not going anywhere.
PS – Check out the bitch crying in this picture.  Really?  You’re crying?  My beliefs on dolphins aside, you’re gonna cry because a bunch of the dumb dolphins decided to crash on the beaches of Cape Cod in the winter?  Get the fuck out of here with that shit.