59 Dolphins “Mysteriously” Stranded on Cape Cod Beaches

NYDailyMail –  Animal welfare experts are trying to figure out what’s causing dozens of dolphins to get stranded on the beaches in Cape Cod this month.  A whopping 59 dolphins have been found onshore as of Tuesday, experts say. Of those 59, rescuers have been able to release 19 back in the water, Kerry Branon of the International Fund for Animal Welfare, which oversees the rescues, told the Daily News.  Experts said the sheer number of dolphins stranding is unusual — even for an area that has seen dolphins wash ashore for centuries.  “I’ve been doing this for 15 years and this is only the second season I’ve seen it like this,” Katie Moore, manager of the International Fund for Animal Welfare’s Marine Mammal Rescue and Research Program, told the Boston Globe.

You know why you’ve never seen anything like this Katie Moore?  It’s because there’s never been anyone on the internet that’s willing to take a stand against dolphins like I am.  And I don’t mean to keep beating a dead horse, but this story only confirms what I feared.  These dolphins are coming for me.  It’s not a coincidence that I come back out of unofficial retirement on this site, publish an article about dolphins, and then these fuckers start kamikaze beaching themselves right in my own back yard.  The Cape ain’t far from here, so I’m pretty sure the dolphin race is sending out scout dolphins to pinpoint exactly where I am.  I’m a threat to these raping assholes and they’re trying to snuff me out.  But I will never, and I repeat NEVER, back down to these porpoise fucks.  For decades they’ve cashed in on their cuteness and gotten away with raping humans every chance they got.  I’m not sitting back and letting it happen.  If I convert one person with these hyperbolic rants then I’ll have done my job.  I see you dolphins, I know you’re coming for me, but I’m not going anywhere.

PS – Check out the bitch crying in this picture.  Really?  You’re crying?  My beliefs on dolphins aside, you’re gonna cry because a bunch of the dumb dolphins decided to crash on the beaches of Cape Cod in the winter?  Get the fuck out of here with that shit.

U.S. Military Trains Dolphins to Spy on Terrorists…The End of the World is Near

Well fuck.  This has to be the scariest news I’ve heard since I got the results back from my doctor.  Make no mistake about it, the military training dolphins to be spies will be the unraveling of mankind as we know it.  We already know how smart these porpoise pricks are, but now they’re getting military training?  This is terrible news.  Not only were these animals raping and pillaging in the water before the training, but now they’re actually more precise than sonar?  We humans don’t stand a chance.  At some point I have to put my foot down.  I for one will not be taking part in making these rapists smarter, and anyone that does should be charged with treason to the human race.  Dolphins are smarter than most humans, and now with the proper military training, it’s only a matter of time before we’re bowing down to Flipper and friends.  The Planet of the Apes could never happen, but if you don’t think dolphins could one day rule the world, you are naive my friend.

Tom Brady Shows Tim Tebow How to Do It

Well, that was a shocker huh?  Tom Brady and the New England Patriots proved to the world that the hype isn’t real.  Tim Tebow isn’t fit to be a quarterback in the NFL.  His underachievement at his position is apparent, and people should realize this season was a fluke for any kind of QB like Tebow.  Sure, his story was great, people wrote him off and said he couldn’t win as a QB in the NFL, and he started winning.

But what planet am I living on where sports analysts and fans think that Tim Tebow is actually good?  How can people even call him a quarterback?  It’s an insult to Johnny Unitas, Joe Montana, Dan Marino and Tom Brady.  Shit, it’s an insult to Trent Dilfer, Tim Couch and Jemarcus Russell for that matter.  When you can barely throw the ball 10 yards, it has no spiral on it whatsoever, and you feel more comfortable running options then stepping back and throwing the ball in the pocket, you are NOT a QUARTERBACK.  And the Patriots and their defense proved that twice this season.  We didn’t let him get comfortable at all and we stopped the number one run offense in the league with ease.

Is Tim Tebow an incredible athlete?  Absolutely.  But that doesn’t mean he’s an incredible quarterback.  Sure, he won them some games, but he limped his way into the playoffs and looked like a chicken with his head cut off whenever he played a dominant team.  What he did to the Steelers was merely a fluke.  This is the same thing that happened when the Miami Dolphins unrolled their wildcat offense against us.  We were stunned, never saw an NFL team play like a college team, and they surprised the league for half of the year.  But then guess what happened?  NFL teams started figuring it out.  Defenses started throwing more men in the box to prevent the rush, and practically begged Tebow to throw it down the field.  And it was simple after that.  The Patriots did it better than any other team this season, and did it with one of the worst defenses in team history.

But when it’s all said and done, the Patriots proved that the AFC championship runs through Foxborough and the Baltimore Ravens will meet us next week to fight for that title.  San Francisco and New York took out two dominant offensive teams, and its shaping up to be a great Super Bowl no matter who meets the Pats after we take care of the Ravens.  I hope New York advances and we can avenge our loss in the Super Bowl from The Season That Mustn’t Be Mentioned.

I’m Baaaccckkkk!

Yea, I’ve got back on my grind so to speak.  I’m listening to this song on repeat to get me back on top of my game.  I’m not promising the world, but fuck it, it’s gonna be better than nothing.  Keep up.

What I Won in Fantasy Football (a Breakdown)

First off, fuck you, I know I haven’t updated this site in weeks, but it’s not like I didn’t warn you.  Secondly, I had better things to do than entertain the dozens of people that visit this site on a regular basis.  Fantasy Football wrapped up for me this past week and I fucking won.  Out of the two leagues I was in, I won 1st place and 4th place respectively.  I decided to finally break down my winnings and do some rough calculations on how much I actually earned from this hobby from hell.

One league was for $150, the other for $165 for a total of $315 invested in fantasy football for the year.  In one league I won the weekly total of most points for a team twice, taking home $100 before the playoffs.  So that’s $215 in the hole owed.  In the league I won, I ended up with the best overall record in the regular season, which put $150 in my pocket before playoffs even started.  So before the playoffs I was only down $65 total.  Finally, I won first place in that league, which netted me a very nice payout of $750.  In total, I won $685, not bad for some fantasy football.

But what did I actually earn?  Sure, I won $685, but I put a lot of time, effort and dedication to have the best team in the league.  A lot of man hours went into maintaining the most dominant team I ever assembled.  Let’s kick around some totals combining both leagues and time spent maintaining these teams…

Draft preparations:  4 hours

Weekly team maintenance:  1 hour a week for 16 weeks

Miscellaneous (watching fantasy football TV programs, etc.) : 2 hours a week

That’s a total of about 52 hours of actual work I put into these teams.  That includes making trades, checking out free agents, setting starting lineups, and everything else it takes to win.  52 hours to make $685.  That is the equivalent to working for an hourly wage of $13.18.  And that doesn’t even take into account how much time was wasted watching TERRIBLE football games just because I had a player going for me or against me.  I watched every televised football game available and was satisfied watching maybe 10% of them.  If you calculate how much time was wasted watching 3 hour long games all season, then you’d be able to tell how unrewarding fantasy football is from a monetary perspective.

But you know what?  It’s all totally worth it.  $13.18 an hour?  Awesome, sign me up.  It might not be much money, but I don’t know if there’s anything more rewarding than pretending you own a football team and having them face off against your friend’s fictional team as well for “big” money.  If fantasy football is foreign to you, I’d never be able to explain why a group of guys can actually have fun staring at statistics on a weekly basis.  Being able to say with certainty, “my fantasy team is better than yours” is one of the few joys I have left.  And that’s why I’ll always play this fantasy game from hell.

PS – For those of you curious as to what my team looked like, here were my starters I played almost every single week.

QB: Cam Newton, Phillip Rivers

RB: Maurice Jones-Drew, Darren McFadden, Fred Jackson (Reggie Bush, Michael Bush, Jahvid Best, Kevin Smith bench)

WR: Roddy White, AJ Green, Victor Cruz (Jeremy Maclin bench)

TE: Antonio Gates (Kellen Winslow bench)

DEF: Philly, Chicago

PPS – I owe Cam Newton $685

Top 5 Reasons Why I Haven’t Updated the Site Lately

So I’ve been inactive as hell at updating this blog, and for the people that check in often for all of the latest retarded news and sputterings of an asshole (me) I’m sorry.  But I do have some good reasons.

Reason #1 – Fuck this weather

I know it’s only mid-November, but any true Bostonian will tell you that after October we start dreading doing just about anything.  We have 2 1/2 seasons in Boston, Summer, Winter and about a week of Fall.  There’s very little buffer from hoody weather to “holy shit I can’t feel my face” weather.  And I freeze in August.  So once the temp dipped below 50, I got extremely overwhelmed and layed under the covers every chance I got.  Is this a good excuse not to blog?  No, but it is a definite reason.

Reason #2 – It was my birthday

I celebrated my 25th birthday this past weekend.  I’m quickly creeping up on the age I dread, and to tell you the truth, it kind of depressed me.  I spent time trying to forget about it, and did my best not to look at the date, which meant not wanting to update a site that seemed to be counting down to my mid-20s.  Plus, I drank excessively and forgot I even had a site for a few days.  Happy birthday to me.

 

Reason #3 – Modern Warfare 3 came out

Yea, I know I’m 25 now.  I should probably stop playing video games.  And I should definitely stop playing video games as much as I do.  But I really don’t even care.  I’m from the generation of kids that had console after console while growing up.  Nintendo, Sega, Super Nintendo, N64, Playstation, Xbox, and now next gen consoles.  Video games have been part of my life since I was 4.  I’m not just gonna stop, especially since the games they make now are unbelievable.  Modern Warfare 3 is amazing and addicting as hell.  If I have to choose between playing MW3 with my buddies or combing through the internet for ridiculous stories to blog about, I’m probably picking up the sticks and popping caps in asses 99/100 times.

 

Reason #4 – Football and TV in general

You already know about my obsession with football.  Maybe now you can see how serious I am.  I’ve watched every second I could of football this season, that’s what happens when you do fantasy football with high stakes.  So every Thursday, Sunday and Monday I’m glued to the TV rooting for players you’ve probably never heard of.  It doesn’t stop there though.  My favorite shows are on TV right now, airing new episodes just about every day.  Here’s my schedule…

Sunday – Football

Monday – Football/repeat of Dexter

Tuesday – Sons of Anarchy

Wednesday – South Park

Thursday – It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia/Football

When it comes down to it, I want to be entertained just as much as you do when you look for articles on this site.  These shows are extremely entertaining.

Reason #5 – I’m Lazy

So lazy I stopped writing this article 3 separate times to do absolutely nothing.  Fuck it.  I’m gonna try my best to update this site more often, but like I said, I have a lot of excuses.  Keep reading.

 

What I Like: Football

This “What I Like” should be titled something else entirely.  “Like” isn’t the word that best describes my feelings toward football.  It’s borderline obsession.  I know, I’m a guy, I should like football, love it even.  But it really has become an obsession of mine, an extremely unhealthy one for that matter.  When the lockout was in place, I was panicking a little on the inside, more and more each day as the future looked bleak for a 2011 season.  This depressed the shit out of me.  I couldn’t picture a fall and winter without football.  I’d die of boredom.

I always liked football as a kid.  I’d watch the Patriots on Sundays and be content.  The Pats were all I needed back then.  And they weren’t even good, so it was sort of bittersweet.  But when I got older I got into a little game called Madden.  Ever heard of it?  Kind of popular.

Anyway, I started playing Madden and it was a wrap after that.  I was hooked.  I not only played as the Pats, but every team.  I was a preteen learning about defensive formations, screen passes and hot routes.  It gave me hours of enjoyment late-hitting Peyton Manning every snap, but it also taught me a shitload about football.  The kind of stuff only a video game would be able to teach a young kid.  I would take Madden games seriously, yell at the screen, and belittle anyone who picked up the sticks against me.  But watching real NFL games made a lot more sense to me.  I understood what was going on and I wanted to know more.

And then I got a little bit older and started playing fantasy football.  I know, fantasy football was only created to give guys something to do that made it seem like we were being productive.  All it really provided was a new way to gamble, and a new way to become obsessed with my favorite sport.

And make terrible, terrible bets.  But fantasy football hooked me into the sport for life.  No longer would I only care about my Patriots every week.  Now I was tracking stats of every athlete in the league, including third wideout options on terrible teams.  Stuff no one should do unless they have a lot of time on their hands or has a problem.  And I have a problem.  I stare at my screen, constantly checking the waiver wires, seeing if one person could be added to my team to ensure I wouldn’t get a terrible tattoo or lose all my money.  Shit, I watched all of the terrible Broncos/Raiders game on Monday after the Pats wrecked Miami just because I needed Darren McFadden to get me 15 points to win the week.  You know, normal stuff like that.

And now it’s happening all over again.  The first week of the 2011 NFL season is complete.  I’m watching every second of every game I can, my fantasy teams are battling it out in the trenches, and the new Madden game is played whenever I have a chance.  It will be like this until February.  It’s a great time to be a football fan.

And yes, that is a tattoo…on me…for life.  THAT’S how much I “like” football.

What I Hate: Facebook

It’s been awhile since I’ve done a “What I Hate” and this is a tricky one for me.  Let me preface this by saying I use Facebook daily, and that’s why I hate it so much.  Social networking has literally entered every facet of our lives and it’s taken us over for good.  Facebook emerged as the clear cut winner in keeping tabs on people you don’t really care about.  The problem is, 99% of Facebook users are tricked into thinking that Facebook is the end all be all to being popular.

I’m about to make broad generalizations here, so if I’m not describing you don’t get all defensive.  But most of Facebook users are just looking for attention.  You know who these people are.  The ones who are all over writing about a current event with a funny little opinion.  Or the “like my status if you think I’m cute.”  And the “nothing to do tonight, hmu.”  These people are desperately trying to find anyone in their Facebook world to hang out with, even if they haven’t seen them in years.  And most of the time people are looking for this…

Yes, they live for “likes.”  If they post a status that doesn’t get a few likes, they panic and make up for it with more statuses.  This defeats the purpose of statuses.  That’s why I’d rather read “heading to the mall” then someone trying to fish for likes.  People are going out of their way to post things they know will get likes so it makes them think they’re more popular than they actually are.  And that’s not my only beef with Facebook.  The addictiveness of it is out of hand.  How many times have you stared at Facebook?  I’m not talking about reading through a newsfeed or creeping on a profile.  I’m talking legit staring at nothing, waiting for something to happen.  There have been studies that show Facebook can be linked to depression and that makes sense.  How many times have you said to yourself, “is anyone listening to me?”  That’s the type of shit that is disgusting about Facebook.

And then there’s the creeping.  See a cute girl in class and want to know what she looks like in a bikini?  Done.  Want to know someones sexual orientation and if they’re in a relationship?  You got it.  We give out this information for the world to see and think nothing of it.  So when people creep on your Facebook, there’s really nothing you can do about it.

And we’re all guilty of it.  Every fucking one of us that has a profile.  If you say you don’t, you’re lying.  And want to know what the creepiest thing is to me?  Think of the kids!  When you were 12 years old, what were you doing?  I was playing baseball and sports with my friends after school and ran around the neighborhood on the weekends.  Kids these days are on Facebook, tapped in, at all times.  They grew up in a world where popularity has literally revolved around Facebook.  It’s where you go to witness two friends fighting.  Where you go when you want to see your crush.  Where you go when you’re pissed and want to talk shit with your friends about school.  Facebook essentially replaced the lunch room in schools around the country.

And even though all of these things absolutely piss me off, the one thing that pisses me off the most is that I can’t bring myself to do it…

Guess I figure I’ll miss something important or someone will need to get in contact with me one day.  And that pisses me the fuck off.  I love hate it.

Sick Music For the Weekend

Bad Meets Evil (Eminem and Royce da 5’9”) put out a music video for “Lighters“.  Bruno Mars gets down on this inspirational song.  Pretty cool visuals on this one.  Em is insane, and Royce has been one of my favorites for years so I’m happy for his newfound success.  Listen.

The Game meets up with Lil Wayne and VMA Best New Artist Winner Tyler the Creator for “Martians vs. Goblins.”  If you’re a fan of Tyler the Creator, you’ll be a fan of this one.  His crude image and lyrics are catching on in the mainstream, and Game does his best to match Tyler.  Odd Future’s Tyler outshines everyone on this though with lines like “that shit was expected like Jayceon (Game) whenever he name drop.”  Calls out Game’s notorious name-dropping on his own record.  Fuckin’ love it.  The jab at Lebron’s losing hairline is also welcome.

And random ass song of the week goes to………Eagle Eye Cherry “Save Tonight.”  If you guessed that then you’re a fucking genius.  This song has been stuck in my head for about a week now and the only way I’m getting it out is with a bullet.  If you’re not singing to this song when you hear it I feel bad for you.

Fantasy Football Draft Tonight

So with the football season almost starting, I’m sure about a good 90% of my readership is gearing up fro fantasy football.  I’ve got my first draft tonight, and I’m ready.  I’m the first to admit that fantasy football is stupid, but it gives us guys something to do every week and it’s a pretty good reason to gamble.  There’s nothing cool about staring at statistics all day and deciding who to pick up in free agency.  Every girl I’ve ever talked to about it is disinterested and I know why.  It’s dumb.  It’s childish.  It’s pointless.  But my God is it fun.  I take my teams seriously.  I shit talk my friends the whole week if I play them.  I watch every second of football I possibly can to see if my boys are getting me points.  Even though it’s dumb, it’s the best invention ever.  It makes us guys feel like we’re football managers and what we do actually matters.  For 3 months of the year I feel like Belichick in the war room agonizing over players and weekly matchups.  Only in America!