Category Archives: Ouch

Entire Spanish Town Wins $950m Lottery – Except One Guy

Huffington Post–  One man in Spain is kicking himself after the entire town won and shared in a $950-million lottery jackpot — except for him.  The New York Times reported on Tuesday that roughly 70 households in Sodeto bought winning tickets for Spain’s Christmas lottery.  But one man, filmmaker Costis Mitsotakis, had been overlooked when a town homemakers group made the rounds selling lottery tickets to raise money last year.  Every household that bought a share in the drawing takes home at least $130,000, Newser reported.  The lottery is called “El Gordo” and has been a Spanish staple for the last 200 years. Today, tickets go for $26 a pop. Sodeto residents and people from 17 nearby villages bought tickets with the same winning number from the civic group. Their jackpot pumped $150 million in winnings into the area. A single ticket paid out $520,000.  Mitsotakis told the Times that he was sad he didn’t win anything. But he did get one lucky break out of it. A neighbor bought a big chunk of land that Mitsotakis had been trying to sell.  Sodeto is northeast of Madrid with a population of 250 people, largely comprised of farmers and construction workers. The unemployment level was said to be high. But now, some families are sitting on millions of dollars.

Someone needs to put Costis Mitsotakis on a suicide watch list, like now.  This has to be the unluckiest guy in the world, right?  Imagine you lived in a small Spanish town stricken with poverty and unemployment.  Your whole life, that’s all you knew.  Then, the day the tickets for the huge annual lottery get sold door-to-door, they miss out on your house.  And then everyone wins.  $950 million.  Your entire village becomes millionaires overnight.  And you’re still living there in your pueblo (I’m assuming), sitting in your old poncho (again, assuming) watching your neighbors drive home in a Bentley while you feed your donkey (terrible assumption).  The amount of joy all around you would be sickening knowing that you are the only person in a 20 mile radius that is poor.  And how does the community take care of him?  They buy a huge portion of his land, confining him to an even smaller place, while he watches with disgust at everyone else’s joy.  That’s the kind of shit that would break any man’s will.  I like to consider myself a strong-willed guy, but you better believe that if I was in Costis Mitsotakis’ position I’d be seeing how much rope I’d need to finish the job.  Someone throw this guy a fucking bone already.

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The Patriots Lose the Super Bowl…Grown Men Cry Everywhere

So that actually happened,  a repeat of 2007 all over again.  I didn’t think it was possible for the Patriots to lose that game.  Brady had the eye of the tiger, and Belichick whipped one of the worst defenses in NFL history into shape and got them to the Super Bowl.  And all we had to do was beat Eli and his big dumb head.  But we couldn’t score anything.  Our entire offense looked like they were suffering from a Gronk ankle injury.  Our defense was surprisingly good, but Tom Brady couldn’t put anything together.  It was frustrating to see the epic collapse when all we had was a 2 point lead.  I felt hopeless.  So many missed opportunities it wasn’t even funny.  Yesterday I was like any other Boston sports fan.  I didn’t watch any ESPN coverage, no highlights of the game, no talk radio, and I didn’t talk about it with anyone.  It’s best to just forget about this type of game as fast as you can.  Yeah, New York beat us and that really sucks, but what are you gonna do?  When it comes down to it, Boston has been the most dominant sports city in the last decade.  4 teams with 7 championships.  What does New York have?  9 teams, 3 championships.  Yea, I’ll be a Boston sports fan over New York any day.  When it comes down to it, we’re the most spoiled city in sports.  Every city wants to be us and I’ll just have to take solace in that.  So the denial stage of this loss is over.  Now the acceptance will kick in any minute now.  But I swear to God I can’t be held responsible if Princess the Camel fucking dies.

Someone Find Me This Church Singer Now!

Fuck yea!  This guy has “it” and I want some.  His performance is electric.  His vibrato is unparalleled, his falsetto is spectacular, and his confidence is unmatched.  I like how he tried to be humble and say he wore out the other church singer in competitions.  Talk that shit bro!  You’ve earned it.  I need this guy in my life, and I needed him yesterday.  “Looking For a City” is gonna tear up the music charts, that I can guarantee you.  Sure, he fumbled through the beginning and probably wanted to choke the piano player, but it doesn’t matter.  It also doesn’t matter that he almost gave up at the end, because he powered through that shit.  His showmanship is fucking amazing, and I need him in my corner, singing for me while I blog.  The two of us could be the new Simon and Garfunkle, and until he partners up with me I’ll feel like my life is incomplete.

Son Knocks Mother Out For Telling Him to Stop Practicing Martial Arts in the House

Daily Mail –  Cory William Morrel, 27, allegedly knocked out his mother after she told him to stop practising martial arts in their Florida home.  She was kicked in the head by her son and left unconscious for five minutes, police said. Morrel has been arrested on suspicion of battery, the Naples Daily News reported.  Collier County sheriff’s deputies were dispatched to Morrel’s home on Friday and found his mother was unable to recall what happened and appeared disoriented and nervous.  She shouted at her son several times, asking him what happened, reports said.  Morrel told deputies that while practising martial arts in the living room, he accidentally kicked a wall causing a scuff mark, the Naples Daily News reported.  He said his mother became angry with him and cursed at him.  It is unclear what happened next due to redacted information related to Morrel kicking his mother in the head, but the suspect said he called 911 when she became unconscious.

Look, sometimes you need to just practice martial arts in your mother’s home without her nagging.  I get it.  Who else hasn’t been watching Karate Kid and immediately did the crane kick when it ended?  Who else watches UFC and then pretends they’re Anderson Silva with flying knees to a family member’s chin?  It’s American is what it is.  So I’m not gonna hate on this guy for getting his kung fu on and scuffing his mom’s walls.  She’ll get over it.  But you don’t knock your mother out, bro.  Poor form.  I mean, she lets a 27 year old man that practices karate unofficially live with her.  You’re pretty much Kip from Napoleon Dynamite.  You don’t knock her out.  You eat shit and stop practicing your leg sweeps when she tells you to.  Now you’re the guy that lost his cool and knocked his mom out with a move you saw a Ninja Turtle do.  Way to go.

Rafael Nadal Passes Out at News Conference From Leg Cramps

Nadal is a real warrior, huh?  Wow.  That’s just embarrassing, bro.  Sure, I understand you’re in pain and probably can’t stand, but you’re in a fucking chair.  Quit being a pussy and crying during your press conference.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone do an interview, grab there eyes to stop the tears from coming, then lie underneath the table.  Probably why I don’t watch sports like tennis or golf.  These guys are prima donas and if they played any kind of contact sport they’d cry and hid under furniture.

Woman Kills Husband For Forgetting Her Birthday

DailyMail–  A woman killed her husband because he forgot her 45th birthday.  Lyalya Tupikova told police that her husband Khalpik failed to remember her special day before going to work in the morning.  When he returned home again from his office job, she was expecting a bunch of flowers and a present – but he brought nothing.  Even when she cooked a candlelit dinner for two, he was oblivious to her big day.  ‘It was all too much for her and suddenly during the meal she seized a kitchen knife and stabbed him just above the heart,’ said a police spokesman in a village near Astrakhan in southern Russia.  The 50-year-old collapsed and died soon afterwards from severe blood loss.  Tupikova confessed her guilt and is now awaiting sentencing.

What a way to go, huh?  This guy’s only crime was being guilty of forgetfulness, something every human man has done.  Multiple times.  Daily.  Ladies, do you know how much pressure it is for us to remember every single date you shove into our heads?  Honestly.  I have trouble remembering those things and I’m reminded of them constantly by Facebook.  This guy is 50 and from Russia.  That’s two huge things going against him here.  Granted, it was his wife’s birthday.  He probably should have remembered.  But we don’t know the whole story here.  Maybe she didn’t mention her birthday was coming up for a month?  Maybe she doesn’t like making a big deal about birthdays and never talked about it.  Hell, this guy could have had a surprise gift waiting for her and she jumped the gun and killed him.  We’ll never know.  The only thing we can take from this is how important these dates are to women.  If someone forgot my birthday, cool.  I’m headed toward the wrong side of my 20’s and would be glad if people didn’t remind me about getting older.  Not women.  They take this shit seriously, fellas.  So do yourself a favor and beat those dates into your head before you get a knife to the heart.

Could You Ever Love Your Mother if She Botched Your Homemade Circumcision?

DailyMail – A mother who tried to circumcise her three-month-old son at home after reading the Old Testament and watching YouTube videos has been sentenced to five years of probation.  Keemonta Peterson, from Portland, avoided jail after pleading guilty to first-degree criminal mistreatment – despite allegedly leaving her baby son bleeding for two hours before calling emergency services.  The 30-year-old mother of four must also undergo mental health treatment after Multnomah County Circuit Judge Eric Bergstrom told her ‘the reality is you love your children and had absolutely no intent to harm your child’.  Peterson called 911 and the boy was rushed to a hospital last October after her botched effort left the infant bleeding uncontrollably and in intense pain.  She said she was inspired to carry out the DIY operation at her home after reading the Bible.  According to an arrest report Peterson began the operation at midnight using a box cutter knife as a scalpel and the pliers as a tourniquet.  When the bleeding would not stop on the botched operation she tried to stitch up the wound while her distressed 13 year old son watched.  After two hours of ‘uncontrolled’ bleeding Peterson called paramedics.  Her son, who has not been named, was listed in critical condition but has since made a full recovery following the October incident.  Following her arrest Peterson told detectives she decided on the DIY circumcision as hospitals in Portland will not carry out the operation of boys older than four weeks.  Peterson was arrested in May and charged with first and second degree assault.  Her bail was set at $550,000 but following a hearing was reduced to $5,000 and she was released from jail.  Prosecutors told the court Peterson had voiced her concerns about her mental health and said she had suffered hallucinations that prevented her from sleeping for days.  Her four children are being looked after by social workers.

What.  The.  Fuck?  You’re going to use a box cutter on your son’s penis because you saw how to do it on Youtube?  Wow.  Batshit lady with crazier story aside…this brings up a valid question for my readers.  Could you ever consciously love your mother if you knew she tried to give you a circumcision that Lorena Bobbit would be proud of?  If you’re lucky, you grow up thinking all penis’ looked like the mangled mess in your pants.  Worst case scenario, your 13 year-old brother gets mad at you one day and tells you that mom tried to cut your dick off and let you bleed for 2 hours.  But with the internet, let’s just assume this kid will find out about his first botched surgery.  Do you think he could love his mother?  Think about it.  Your mom was browsing Youtube, decided it’s too late to bring you to a doctor to do this, so she takes your circumcision into her own hands.  Then your baby hammer keeps bleeding for hours on end and she doesn’t do anything about it.  The negligence is almost laughable.  I just don’t think there’s enough human compassion in the world to be able to look at your mangled man meat and forgive your mother, let alone love her, for doing this to you.

PS – She was inspired after reading the Bible huh?  Kinda interested in seeing what verse that was.

Guy Shoots Himself in Penis With Fiance’s Pink Pistol

Pretty friggan dumb right?  I mean, yeah the guy shooting his dick with his fiancee’s pink pistol in a parking lot is retarded…but the news report on this is fucktarded.  Where’s the depth?  The journalistic drive for the best possible story?  A guy takes a pink pistol from his wife as they walk in a parking lot, maybe about to go stick a place up, rob someone, who knows?  Instead NBC 15 walks around aimlessly in a parking lot, interviewing men about what they think it feels like to shoot yourself in the dick.  How the fuck do you think it feels?  Tingly?  Ticklish?  It’s a bullet to the dick, bro.  If I get kicked in the crotch I’m pissed and on the ground having trouble breathing for 5 minutes.  If I shoot myself with a pink bitch gat through my dick and leg, I’m passing out from seeing a bullet hole through my wang.  Real good investigative reporting here, asshats.  Get to the meat of this story…why was this couple strapped?  They could have been the next Bonnie and Clyde for all we know.  Instead we got guys talking about what they’d imagine it would feel like to shoot their dicks off.  With this…

PS – You know this guy isn’t going to be 100% after this injury.  Just no way your dick works the same way after its been shot.  Begs a random ass question that popped into my head…how long before this girl dumps his ass?  I’m not judging her in particular, despite the gun-toting tendencies, I’m questioning all women.  Of course most women won’t leave this guy right away.  A lot would stay with him through the recovery stages.  But how long after that before they leave him because he has a chunk missing from his lil guy and he can’t get him up?  I’m saying 98% of women would be done with this guy within 3 months.  Just a hunch.

I Finally Got My Bruins Tattoo

After years of wanting it, months of not being able to afford it, and weeks of making consultations and appointments, I finally got my Bruins tattoo.  I feel like I waited an eternity, but it is what it is.  2 and a half hours of awesomeness later and here we are.  Also had the Boston text added to fill it out more.  Now my half sleeve is like 80% done, and I’m ready for one more sitting to finish the whole damn thing.  So for all of you fuckers out there questioning my allegiance to my city or it’s teams, think again.  I take this shit seriously.  Devoted a whole limb to it pretty much.  It’ll always be Boston till I die, yo.

Women’s XGames Motocross is HYSTERICAL

These women just disgraced their entire gender with this one race.  I didn’t even know women’s motocross existed, but now everyone does and I love it.  I really got a good belly laugh from this video.  One of those good laughs that you have trouble catching because it’s so funny.  This is INTERNET GOLD.  Starts out, one woman down right away, really setting the tone for the race.  Then they start dropping like flies.  Every obstacle was too big of an obstacle.  I feel like even if this was just a straight race down a road, there would be injuries and epic wipeouts.  But one of the funniest things about this video is at the 30 second mark.  Some chick gets caught up mid-way through a big obstacle, and the other chick says “fuck that” and picks her bike up off the obstacle and rides down the dirt.  You can do that?  They said she used her “wits” but it looks like she was tired of falling all over the place so she went around an obstacle.  And then she ends up WINNING.  Gotta love it.  I swear, it seems like these chicks never saw a motocross track in their life.  That’s exactly why I’m keeping my eyes open for more women’s motocross.  There’s gotta be more gold out there.