Craziest Home Burglary Report EVER…WTFFFFFF?

I have no idea what to believe anymore.  My jaw is literally on the ground.  Is this real life?  Can something like this actually happen?  Something tells me this guy is telling the truth.  I want to believe him and the possibility that this report is 100% fact.  Hell, if he’s admitting to masturbating to a porn in the police report, something tells me he’s a pretty truthful guy.  This is so bizarre though.  A guy breaks into your basement with a gun and videotapes you beating off?  What the fuck?  Then before he leaves he force feeds your dog shrooms and kills it.  Why waste perfectly good mushrooms and implement them into this breaking, entering and voyering?  It baffles me.  The only thing I can think of is that someone really wanted to ruin this guys life.  That’s the only reason I would do this.  Blackmail him with the video and then kill the dog that he loves.  Done and done.  This can’t be life.

Nothing to See Here Folks! Just a Little Choking.

Seriously, keep it moving.  Don’t think too long and hard about what just happened this past month.  Our epic September collapse will be a thing of the past when the Pats and Bruins are dominating the season and playoffs.  I’m disgusted with the Sox.  It’s like an abusive relationship I have to justify to anyone that isn’t a Boston fan.  When it’s good, it’s real good.  When it’s bad, it’s fucking ugly.  “But when it’s bad, you just don’t know them like I do.  They love me, they just hurt me sometimes, but that’s okay, we’re in love.”  Frankly I’m getting tired of it.  Fuck it, it’s almost October, everyone knows it’s Pats and Bruins time.

Get a Flexor…The Newest Penis-Shaped Workout Tool

One of my favorite things in the world is infomercials that are ridiculous.  This is my new favorite.  Who wouldn’t want to workout in a manner that is best described as “masturbatory-weightlifting?”  Forget the Shakeweight, the Flexor is the new king of embarrassing home fitness.  Just look at those personal trainers and jacked men beat this thing off in the middle of a field.  It’s infomercial gold.  Just a bunch of guys, grabbing a ball or two, jerking the Flexor off like a sex addicted weight lifter.  Of course these guys have never had a workout like this.  I bet they’ve never been as emotionally scarred and emasculated after a workout quite like what happened with the Flexor.

That’s Alotta Sweat, Bro

Someone get this guy a fucking towel.  That’s Walter Pandiani, a soccer player for Espanyol.  This is just…gross?  I mean, I know people sweat, and these guys play hard and then give an interview a few minutes later.  But you never see it accumulate on a person in such a quick fashion.  That shirt changed colors 3 different times.  I’m pretty sure you can hear puddles of sweat accumulating under the table.  This is just embarrassing, bro.  Have some respect for yourself and wear black or something.  You’re out there looking like a guilty man on trial, not a beloved athlete.

PS – This is totally the way I felt watching the Sox last night.

Red Sox Playoff Hope Rides on Last Game of the Season

Catcher Ryan Lavarnway put the struggling Sox on his back last night, going yard twice, keeping Sox fans on the edge of their seats for the last game of the season tonight.  Our wild card lead over the Rays dwindled the entire month of September and the playoff picture has looked bleak.  And with a Sox win and Rays win over the Yankees, the last game of the season will decide everything for both clubs.  If we win and they lose, we’re in.  If we both win, we go to a single game playoff.  Just nerve-wracking shit here.  Storybook fantasy type of shit that wouldn’t even happen in the movies.

The worst part about it is that no one believes we can win.  I don’t even think Tito does.  Our pitching is atrocious.  Just God awful.  No lead is safe, and no start is a guarantee.  But I really can’t help but think in the back of my head, “what if?”  What if we did it again?  What if we scrapped our way through another playoffs and did the unthinkable?  It would be amazing to witness.  But, let’s be realistic.  Lackey is one text away from a nervous breakdown, our bullpen breaks down more than a shitbox first car, and Francona looks like he keeps smelling a fart.  We most likely aren’t gonna do anything in the playoffs if we make it.  But if we don’t even make the playoffs, this season will go down as one of the biggest disappointments in Red Sox history.  Just a collapse of epic proportions.  Our fate lies on one game…fuck.

Brad Marchand Admits Stanley Cup Tattoo Had Spelling Error

“Let me clear something up. After we won, a bunch of us got tattoos here in the dressing room of the Garden. Mine originally was misspelled. Instead of saying Stanley Cup Champions it said Stanley Cup Champians. I don’t even know how that happened. After I got it, I came in the room and someone was like it says champians … with an a.  So I went back and the tattoo guy fixed it after that. It’s fixed now. It never said Starley either, not sure how that rumor got started. It’s Stanley. They obviously knew how to spell Stanley Cup. The only thing that was wrong with it was an a and he turned it into an o for champions.” – Brad Marchand

What did you expect was going to happen?  The Boston Bruins won a Stanley Cup for the first time since the 70’s.  Young guys like Seguin and Marchand went on an epic party binge, banging puck sluts and drinking 18 hours a day.  Should I be surprised that Marchand got a drunken tattoo commemorating one of the greatest moments in his life?  No.  I’d do the exact same thing.  Fuck it, he got it touched up.  You think for one second some chick would see that and still not want to bang him?  Not a chance.  Marchand is a legend in Boston already.  And he knows how to start a party…

Meet the 3 Year-Old Girl That Eats Lightbulbs and Bricks

DailyMail –  Natalie Hayhurst, 3, is at constant risk of poisoning herself because of a rare condition which gives her cravings for inedible objects.  In February she nearly died after eating a lightbulb that she tore from a bedroom night-light.  Her mother Colleen, 31, says every day is a constant battle of wills as she tries to stop her daughter eating something that could kill her.  Colleen said: ‘She doesn’t try to eat glass so much since it hurt her, but she will try and eat rocks and sticks she finds in the garden.  ‘I have had to call this poison helpline so many times that it’s on my speed dial. You name it Natty’s tried to eat it.  ‘She can eat a brick like a normal person would eat a chocolate chip cookie.  ‘She knows these things are bad for her, me and my husband David have discussed how harmful it is with her.  ‘But the cravings are too much for a three year old to handle. She will actively seek out this stuff even though she knows not to.’  Natalie has Pica, a condition characterised by an appetite for non-nutritive substances.

This is why I don’t see myself being a good parent.  If I had to deal with this shit I really don’t know what the hell I’d do.  Oh, my daughter likes to eat bricks and lightbulbs?  Where can I return her?  Something’s wrong with her and if I have to show a receipt I will.  I don’t understand this.  The mother says how tough it is to raise a kid that likes to eat bricks.  No shit?  But last I checked that was your daughter.  You’ve gotta rub her face in it or something like a dog, I don’t know, I’m not a parent.  What I do know though is that this shit needs to stop.  If your kid can actually chew through a brick, then you don’t have a daughter, you have a Gremlin ready to fuck shit up.  There’s not enough patience in the world to deal with a kid that walks around the house looking for objects to eat that could kill her.  Know how bad of a parent I would be?  I’d just let her keep doing it.  Fuck it, if it doesn’t kill her it’s okay.  Might even take her on the talk show circuit, sign her up for some freak shows and sell the rights to her movie so I could pay for all the bricks she was eating.

Mrs. Brady Talks About Getting Crabs From Former New York Mayor

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So Florence Henderson played Mrs. Brady on The Brady Bunch back in the day and was a hot little piece of ass apparently.  She’s doing a book tour for her memoir’s and she keeps on talking about how she got crabs from former New York mayor John Lindsay.  I have a problem with that.  This guy has been dead for over a decade but that doesn’t mean this bitch should be talking about the time he gave her crabs.  Some things are sacred.  In press conferences you don’t talk about religion, politics, or who gave you STDs once upon a time.  I’d be pissed if I croak and then girls come out of the woodwork talking about the time I gave them syphilis or ghonnorea.  Some shit should stay between the sheets is all I’m saying.  What happened to the days where you get your prescription in shame and never talk about it again?  Now we have tell-all memoirs where even crabs can come up and be talked about on national TV.  And I thought I could trust Mrs. Brady to do the right thing.  Guess not.

What the Hell Was That? Patriots Week 3 Reactions

I knew that our matchup against the Buffalo Bills would be tough.  Fitzpatrick has led that team to some really exciting drives and wins, and going against our secondary seemed like it would be easy for him.  But I knew we had Tom Brady and I knew we would be okay.  Then he throws 4 interceptions and gives the game away off of turnover points.  It was infuriating to watch our defense squander a 21-0 lead.  It was even more frustrating watching Ochocinco running lazy routes and blowing a sure touchdown pass.  This game is a wake up call.  When Brady isn’t perfect like he was in the first two games, we’re going to have a lot of trouble.  Our defense is terrible and doesn’t stand a chance unless Brady is putting 40+ on the board.  4 picks, even though 2 were deflected, is unforgivable.  That isn’t Tom Brady.  You take away one of those and we could have won this game.  Losing by a field goal really let some wind out of our sails, but a rebound game against Oakland could be all we need to get back on track.

Homeless Woman Shoots at Opossum 11 Times in Parking Lot

TimesUnion –  TROY, Mich. (AP) — Police in suburban Detroit say they arrested a 42-year-old woman who repeatedly shot at an opossum in a shopping center parking lot.  The woman, who is homeless, was found early Tuesday with a gun in her pocket. Police in Troy say they found 11 spent shell casings on the ground and the woman told them she was aiming for the animal.  Police say it didn’t appear that the animal was shot, and the woman had a permit to carry a concealed weapon. No injuries were reported.  She was arrested for reckless discharge of a firearm.

Look, sometimes you just have to let an animal know who’s boss.  And is there an uglier animal out there than a opossum?  These things are fucking filthy.  And I’m sure these little fuckers battle it out with the homeless all over Detroit for food.  So I’m not surprised this shit went down.  What I’m extremely surprised by though is the fact that this homeless woman had a permit to carry a concealed weapon.  Maybe in Detroit they think it’s a great idea to let the homeless wander around with glocks and revolvers, but the rest of the world would call that “fucktarded.”  What is this the Wild West?  Not only do people from Detroit have to worry about a terrible economy, poverty and living in a shitty city…now they have to worry about getting killed when shopping because the Bag Lady shot at a opossum.  This bitch must have either been really hungry or this opossum disrespected her and had it coming.  Either way, this is a first for me.  I just keep picturing this opossum dodging 11 bullets, taunting this homeless woman with his trickiness.  Gotta love the internet.