Raccoons Invade School, Pee on Students…”Nothing to See Here”

Newser – Are raccoons the new bullies? In one Florida middle school, yes. CBS12 reports on an infestation so bad that parents started calling the station for help, telling it that the wild creatures had been in residence for weeks, and that the school hadn’t sent home warnings. Even worse: One raccoon reportedly peed on a student. “Something wet started dripping down on his backpack, then eventually on him,” confirmed a student at Woodlands Middle School in Lake Worth. Grosser still: “You’re sitting at your desk, doing your class work, and all of a sudden there’s liquid running from the ceiling,” one mother explained. Palm Beach County Health Department inspectors confirmed the invasion, and reports that it gave the school an unsatisfactory grade on Feb. 9. Now the school has until March 9 to get rid of the animals. Here’s the school principal’s comforting reaction: “Raccoon activity is confined to a small portion of the school building and does not impact a large number of students. Therefore, mass notification to parents at this time has not taken place.”

I don’t know what the big deal is here, these parents need to quit bitching, .  The principal of this middle school clearly has it under control.  So what there’s been raccoon’s roaming the halls for a few weeks now?  So what health inspectors gave the school an unsatisfactory grade?  So what there’s raccoon piss dripping all over the kids?  The principal of Woodlands Middle School is on the case and he has a month to figure shit out.  These parents have their panties in a bunch because no one notified them that raccoon’s were dropping in on these classes?  Principal just comes right out and says “Whoa, slow your role.  These ‘coons are only pissing on a few students, we’re looking into it.”  That’s the type of PR response that just turns the story on its ears.  This principal can man my ship any day.  He sees raccoons pissing on kids’ heads, laughs it off and keeps it moving.  Nothing to see here, just a little raccoon piss folks.

PS – Whole time I just pictured Charlie from Always Sunny in Philadelphia laughing about raccoon meat.

Entire Spanish Town Wins $950m Lottery – Except One Guy

Huffington Post–  One man in Spain is kicking himself after the entire town won and shared in a $950-million lottery jackpot — except for him.  The New York Times reported on Tuesday that roughly 70 households in Sodeto bought winning tickets for Spain’s Christmas lottery.  But one man, filmmaker Costis Mitsotakis, had been overlooked when a town homemakers group made the rounds selling lottery tickets to raise money last year.  Every household that bought a share in the drawing takes home at least $130,000, Newser reported.  The lottery is called “El Gordo” and has been a Spanish staple for the last 200 years. Today, tickets go for $26 a pop. Sodeto residents and people from 17 nearby villages bought tickets with the same winning number from the civic group. Their jackpot pumped $150 million in winnings into the area. A single ticket paid out $520,000.  Mitsotakis told the Times that he was sad he didn’t win anything. But he did get one lucky break out of it. A neighbor bought a big chunk of land that Mitsotakis had been trying to sell.  Sodeto is northeast of Madrid with a population of 250 people, largely comprised of farmers and construction workers. The unemployment level was said to be high. But now, some families are sitting on millions of dollars.

Someone needs to put Costis Mitsotakis on a suicide watch list, like now.  This has to be the unluckiest guy in the world, right?  Imagine you lived in a small Spanish town stricken with poverty and unemployment.  Your whole life, that’s all you knew.  Then, the day the tickets for the huge annual lottery get sold door-to-door, they miss out on your house.  And then everyone wins.  $950 million.  Your entire village becomes millionaires overnight.  And you’re still living there in your pueblo (I’m assuming), sitting in your old poncho (again, assuming) watching your neighbors drive home in a Bentley while you feed your donkey (terrible assumption).  The amount of joy all around you would be sickening knowing that you are the only person in a 20 mile radius that is poor.  And how does the community take care of him?  They buy a huge portion of his land, confining him to an even smaller place, while he watches with disgust at everyone else’s joy.  That’s the kind of shit that would break any man’s will.  I like to consider myself a strong-willed guy, but you better believe that if I was in Costis Mitsotakis’ position I’d be seeing how much rope I’d need to finish the job.  Someone throw this guy a fucking bone already.

Paul Pierce Passes Larry Bird as 2nd All-Time Celtics Scorer

ESPN –  Boston Celtics captain Paul Pierce passed Larry Bird to move into second place on the franchise’s list of all-time leading scorers during Tuesday night’s 94-84 win over the Charlotte Bobcats at TD Garden.  Pierce buried a 3-pointer from the right wing with 10:23 to go in the third quarter to move past Bird, who scored 21,791 points during his career, spent entirely with the Celtics. Only John Havlicek has scored more in team history with 26,395 points.  “I’m not going to lie, it was hanging over my head too much,” Pierce said of his first-half struggles. “How could it not? With every deep breath that the crowd was taking, every shot that went up, it was just like, you could just feel it. And it was hard to really ignore it and really focus on the game.  “Then Coach (Doc Rivers) said, ‘Hurry up and get it out of the way.’ It was a relief once I hit that one 3, so I could really concentrate and focus on the game.”  Pierce sits 28th on the NBA’s all-time scoring list. He soon will leapfrog another former Celtic in Gary Payton (21,813) and is on the heels of San Antonio’s Tim Duncan (22,009) with eyes on moving into the top 25.  Big Three brethren Ray Allen (24th) and Garnett (19th) already are in that club, as are Celtics legends Robert Parish (23,334 — 18,245 of which came in Boston) and Havlicek.

Nothing like forgetting about the Super Bowl That Shall Not Be Named then basking in another Boston sports accomplishment.  Paul Pierce passing Larry Bird as an all-time Celtics scorer is a huge deal.  Larry Bird is the face of the franchise and Paul Pierce will easily go down as one of the greatest Celts ever.  He was on terrible teams, he was on great teams, but he was always the leader out there, even when he was young.  His leadership brought us a championship and he’s one of the biggest fan-favorites in Boston sports.  21,792 points, all with the same team.  That’s a hell of an accomplishment that you don’t see much any more.  The rafters in the Garden are definitely saving a space for #34, I just hope he gets a chance to prove to the world he’s one of the best.

 

College Sells Plan B Pills in Vending Machines

WTAE– Vending machines at one Pennsylvania University doesn’t just dispense soda and snacks — it sells the morning-after pill.  At Shippensburg University, getting access to Plan B, the emergency contraception pill is as easy as getting a soda. Students can now buy the pill at a vending machine on campus.”We had some conversations with them and did a survey of the student body and we got an 85 percent response rate that the students supported Plan B in the House Center,” said Dr. Roger Serr, Vice president of Student Affairs at Shippensburg.  The university does not profit from the sales. It pays $25 for one dose and that’s exactly what the student has to pay.  Dr. Serr says that somewhere between 350 and 400 doses are sold each year to the female population.  The pill can be legally sold over-the-counter to anyone 17 or older.

Nothing like some Plan B in the vending machines to welcome students to the college experience.  Now you can get drunk, rage with your friends, knock up a sorority girl, then grab some Doritos and Plan B all in the same building.  This college knows whats up.  No one wants their drunken college hookups to come biting them in the ass 9 months later.  College isn’t a place to find love, it’s a place for bad decisions.  So what does this university do?  Provides the ultimate bad decision fixer for $25 in their vending machines.  Not like anyone can argue with them for it, the kids are obviously getting this over-the-counter anyway, 400 a year before this.  Now they’re making it way easier, which means way more mistakes will be made.  Kinda funny they aren’t putting condoms in these vending machines though.  It’s like they’re just acknowledging the fact that condoms suck and Plan B is a better option.  Hey, I ain’t gonna hate that logic.

The Patriots Lose the Super Bowl…Grown Men Cry Everywhere

So that actually happened,  a repeat of 2007 all over again.  I didn’t think it was possible for the Patriots to lose that game.  Brady had the eye of the tiger, and Belichick whipped one of the worst defenses in NFL history into shape and got them to the Super Bowl.  And all we had to do was beat Eli and his big dumb head.  But we couldn’t score anything.  Our entire offense looked like they were suffering from a Gronk ankle injury.  Our defense was surprisingly good, but Tom Brady couldn’t put anything together.  It was frustrating to see the epic collapse when all we had was a 2 point lead.  I felt hopeless.  So many missed opportunities it wasn’t even funny.  Yesterday I was like any other Boston sports fan.  I didn’t watch any ESPN coverage, no highlights of the game, no talk radio, and I didn’t talk about it with anyone.  It’s best to just forget about this type of game as fast as you can.  Yeah, New York beat us and that really sucks, but what are you gonna do?  When it comes down to it, Boston has been the most dominant sports city in the last decade.  4 teams with 7 championships.  What does New York have?  9 teams, 3 championships.  Yea, I’ll be a Boston sports fan over New York any day.  When it comes down to it, we’re the most spoiled city in sports.  Every city wants to be us and I’ll just have to take solace in that.  So the denial stage of this loss is over.  Now the acceptance will kick in any minute now.  But I swear to God I can’t be held responsible if Princess the Camel fucking dies.

Princess the Camel Picks Giants over Patriots in the Super Bowl

Huffington Post –  Princess, the star of New Jersey’s Popcorn Park Zoo, has correctly picked the winner of five of the last six Super Bowls. She went 14 and 6 predicting regular season and playoff games this year, and has a lifetime record of 88-51.  Her pick this year: The New York Giants.  The Bactrian camel’s prognostication skills flow from her love of graham crackers. Zoo general manager John Bergmann places a cracker and writes the name of the competing teams on each hand. Whichever hand Princess nibbles from is her pick. On Wednesday, she made her pick with no hesitation at all, predicting bad news for Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and the New England Patriots, even though the Las Vegas oddsmakers have New England favored by about 3 points.  Her only miscue in the big game was picking the Indianapolis Colts over the New Orleans Saints two years ago, indicating that even camels know it’s generally risky to go against Peyton Manning.

I was completely ready to send one of my minions straight to Popcorn Park Zoo in New Jersey to kill the fuck out of Princess the camel.  I had my finger on the button, ready to bust out the big guns.  I’ve had to hear 24/7 about the rematch of the century between my beloved Pats and the god damn Giants for the past week.  And then this?  You can only push a man to the brink so many times before he snaps, and a fucking camel telling me my Patriots would lose to the Giants was my limit.  But I set my phone down calmly, read the article again, and know exactly what’s going on here.  Princess is a Manning lover.  It’s blatantly obvious now.  This bitch picked the Colts over the Saints in the Super Bowl?  No one thought that shit was gonna happen.  No one.  And now she picks Eli to ruin the Super Bowl again?  God damnit, not on my watch.  I promised myself I wasn’t going to get angry.  I promised myself I wasn’t going to let a dumb ass camel get the best of me.  But for the next week, it’s US vs. THEM.  There’s a line drawn in the sand, you’re either with us or against us.  I don’t care if it’s a camel, if she picks against the Pats, she’s public enemy #1.  So the camel hunt is back on.  $1 million to the first person to send me the hump of Princess on a silver platter.  It should make for a good spread at my Super Bowl party.

Are You High? Do You Want Your Mind Blown? Stare At This

1) Stare at the Red Dot for 30 seconds

2) Stare at a plain surface (a wall, ceiling, etc.)

3) Blink repeatedly

4) Get your mind blown

 

I’m not even high but feel like I should be.  My mind’s playing tricks on me and shit.

“Show Me ‘His Schlong!'”

When did Family Feud start asking stoned college kids what their top answers would be to a category?  Steve Harvey looked like he was about to explode when 3 people answered “his schlong.”  Not to mention granny was appalled, and the hot chick was pissed at herself for not guessing the first thing that popped into her head.  But it’s not like you can disagree with the three assholes that answered schlong.  Of course pilots are holding their dicks on long flights.  Hell, I hold mine on long car rides.  If they didn’t I’d be as shocked as grandma Marion there.

Oh Look, Miley Cyrus With a Penis Cake

 

It’s Miley Cyrus!  Isn’t she so fun and comedic?  It’s her boyfriends birthday, so what does she do to celebrate his important day?  Does she buy him a car?  Take him on a tropical vacation?  Agree to a threesome?  No.  She buys him a penis cake and takes a billion provocative pictures with it that made their way all over the internet.  Classy.  If I was her boyfriend there would have been a domestic disturbance later that night.

Someone Find Me This Church Singer Now!

Fuck yea!  This guy has “it” and I want some.  His performance is electric.  His vibrato is unparalleled, his falsetto is spectacular, and his confidence is unmatched.  I like how he tried to be humble and say he wore out the other church singer in competitions.  Talk that shit bro!  You’ve earned it.  I need this guy in my life, and I needed him yesterday.  “Looking For a City” is gonna tear up the music charts, that I can guarantee you.  Sure, he fumbled through the beginning and probably wanted to choke the piano player, but it doesn’t matter.  It also doesn’t matter that he almost gave up at the end, because he powered through that shit.  His showmanship is fucking amazing, and I need him in my corner, singing for me while I blog.  The two of us could be the new Simon and Garfunkle, and until he partners up with me I’ll feel like my life is incomplete.