What I Hate: Douchebags

This What I Hate is a long time coming.  Douchebags have grown in population throughout the world and its becoming an epidemic.  And honestly, I don’t understand how these guys are functional in normal society.  These bags of feminine hygiene wear bronzer until they look like Oompa Loompas, inject more human growth hormone than A-Rod, and watch Jersey Shore to get fashion tips and relationship advice.

Classy.

But the scariest thing about douchebags is the effectiveness of their approach to females.  No matter how many girls say these guys aren’t their type, there are an equal amount of girls that fall for this shit.  So what if 80% of their wardrobe consists of wife beaters?  So what if they smell like Axe and hair gel 24/7?  So what if they stare at themselves in the mirror when having sex with you?  A lot of girls find that shit hot.  Maybe it goes back to the whole Alpha Male natural selection thing that’s wired into female’s DNA.  They think because they see one of these d-bags, they are looking at the leader of the pack, the guy every other guy is jealous of.  They would be wrong.

(“You guys are haters.” – D-bag)

The problem here is that these douchebags really think that the are Alpha Males.  They have it built up in their heads that they are God’s gift to women, can beat up any other guy they see, and are 2 seconds away from being discovered by a modeling agent at Planet Fitness.  They think that masculinity is directly proportionate to the number of bench presses you can do in a minute.  So even though they make pouty faces when they take pictures, and even though they take longer than girls to get ready, they believe they are the shit.  I really don’t get it.  I’m a self-proclaimed asshole.  I know that, and I’m proud of it.  But these guys really don’t think they are douchebags.  They’ll sit there with their popped collar and tribal tattoo and think they are original and cool.  What they don’t see is that they are cookie-cutter clones of every other guy with a tanning membership.  That is why I hate douchebags.  I don’t care if girls like them or not.  Girls are attracted to all sorts of things I don’t understand.  But the lack of originality and self-denial is the thing that really makes me hate them.  But as long as one of these guys gets laid because of his blinged out cross or his blow out haircut, they will exist in our society.  And I weep for our future.

What I Hate: Facebook

It’s been awhile since I’ve done a “What I Hate” and this is a tricky one for me.  Let me preface this by saying I use Facebook daily, and that’s why I hate it so much.  Social networking has literally entered every facet of our lives and it’s taken us over for good.  Facebook emerged as the clear cut winner in keeping tabs on people you don’t really care about.  The problem is, 99% of Facebook users are tricked into thinking that Facebook is the end all be all to being popular.

I’m about to make broad generalizations here, so if I’m not describing you don’t get all defensive.  But most of Facebook users are just looking for attention.  You know who these people are.  The ones who are all over writing about a current event with a funny little opinion.  Or the “like my status if you think I’m cute.”  And the “nothing to do tonight, hmu.”  These people are desperately trying to find anyone in their Facebook world to hang out with, even if they haven’t seen them in years.  And most of the time people are looking for this…

Yes, they live for “likes.”  If they post a status that doesn’t get a few likes, they panic and make up for it with more statuses.  This defeats the purpose of statuses.  That’s why I’d rather read “heading to the mall” then someone trying to fish for likes.  People are going out of their way to post things they know will get likes so it makes them think they’re more popular than they actually are.  And that’s not my only beef with Facebook.  The addictiveness of it is out of hand.  How many times have you stared at Facebook?  I’m not talking about reading through a newsfeed or creeping on a profile.  I’m talking legit staring at nothing, waiting for something to happen.  There have been studies that show Facebook can be linked to depression and that makes sense.  How many times have you said to yourself, “is anyone listening to me?”  That’s the type of shit that is disgusting about Facebook.

And then there’s the creeping.  See a cute girl in class and want to know what she looks like in a bikini?  Done.  Want to know someones sexual orientation and if they’re in a relationship?  You got it.  We give out this information for the world to see and think nothing of it.  So when people creep on your Facebook, there’s really nothing you can do about it.

And we’re all guilty of it.  Every fucking one of us that has a profile.  If you say you don’t, you’re lying.  And want to know what the creepiest thing is to me?  Think of the kids!  When you were 12 years old, what were you doing?  I was playing baseball and sports with my friends after school and ran around the neighborhood on the weekends.  Kids these days are on Facebook, tapped in, at all times.  They grew up in a world where popularity has literally revolved around Facebook.  It’s where you go to witness two friends fighting.  Where you go when you want to see your crush.  Where you go when you’re pissed and want to talk shit with your friends about school.  Facebook essentially replaced the lunch room in schools around the country.

And even though all of these things absolutely piss me off, the one thing that pisses me off the most is that I can’t bring myself to do it…

Guess I figure I’ll miss something important or someone will need to get in contact with me one day.  And that pisses me the fuck off.  I love hate it.

What I Hate: Dolphins

So you may look at this title and ask yourself, “how can you hate dolphins?”  Well, I hope to put a little information in your head with this post, because my hatred for these ocean rapists runs deep.  Oh, you didn’t know that dolphins rape people?  Yeah, they do rape, and they do it enough for it to be a huge hit on youtube.

Now, some may watch this video and think to themselves, “that’s not rape, the guy was part of a show and everyone thought it was funny!”  They’d be wrong.  This video shows how freaky these dolphins are that are in captivity.  In the ocean, these things swim around like a bunch of serial-raping porpoise gangsters.  Don’t believe me?  Read it and weep…

Dolphins are known to have sex for reasons other than reproduction, sometimes also engaging in homosexual behavior. Various species sometimes engage in sexual behavior including copulation with other dolphin species. Sexual encounters may be violent, with male dolphins sometimes showing aggressive behavior towards both females and other males. Occasionally, dolphins behave sexually towards other animals, including humans.

With humans, violently.  That’s reason enough to hate these things.  But know what really fuels my hatred for these sex-beasts?  The fact that people love them so much and don’t know what they’re really like behind all the clicks and jumps.  People see a dolphin and smile about how happy they look and the tricks they can do in a pool.  People love them so much they pay to swim with these things, gambling their beastiality virginity every time.  Not me.  If I’m in the water with dolphins you best believe I’m punching them in the nose if they get close to me.  I feel like people are tricked every single time they enter the water with these things.  Our society thinks these things are cute and harmless, but in reality they are smart sexual offenders of the sea.

And that might be the scariest thing about dolphins.  They’re smart.  Like, really smart.  It seems every day another story comes out about how they’re just like humans socially, or smart enough to be trained by military’s to sniff out mines in the water.  And that’s what pisses me off the most.  People are willing to look the other way when Flipper gets frisky with Timmy at Sea World, but that dolphin is smart enough to know what the fuck it’s doing.  It knows you aren’t a dolphin, it knows it’s horny, and it knows that humping you will result in laughter 98% of the time.  And if we turn a blind eye on these rapists now, then we’re in for a rude awakening when they figure out how to rape us into submission and take over the world.

You’ve been warned, world.  Dolphins are out there, sneaking up on us, and raping our innocence.  Now you know…

What I Hate: New York

So you had to see this one coming, and if not, shame on you.  Fresh off the heels of “What I Like…”  I present you with the first “What I Hate…”  So it makes perfect sense that the first installment of this would go to New York.  Look, I’m not gonna sit back and pretend that all of New York is bad.  Because it’s really not.  But the bad parts of it really make me hate the city as a whole.  It’s a beautiful city (as long as you’re in Manhattan) and has culture coming out the ass.  When you have that many people in one place, its bound to have some cool stuff.  But the attitude of 97% of New Yorkers pisses me the hell off.  They’re loud, annoying and feel like the world owes them something.  I know what you’re thinking, isn’t this the pot calling the kettle black?  No.  New Yorkers are born into feeling like they are better than everyone else in the world, and if you don’t believe me, try having a conversation with a New Yorker and try not hitting him in the throat.  Even when athletes go to New York, they become different beings altogether.  They feel like that the rest of the world should lie down and not even try to compete with them.  But that’s where Boston comes in.  We’re literally the only city that can stare them right in the eyes and let them know they aren’t that bad.  The best analogy I have for the two cities is that New York is the most popular kid on the block, and Boston is the new kid that moved into town that has something to prove.  And that’s what I love.  We’re hungrier than them.  We fight for what we get, and they just expect it to fall in their laps.  I’ve been to New York city exactly once in my life, and that was enough for 5 lifetimes.  New York…I hate you.