“Show Me ‘His Schlong!'”

When did Family Feud start asking stoned college kids what their top answers would be to a category?  Steve Harvey looked like he was about to explode when 3 people answered “his schlong.”  Not to mention granny was appalled, and the hot chick was pissed at herself for not guessing the first thing that popped into her head.  But it’s not like you can disagree with the three assholes that answered schlong.  Of course pilots are holding their dicks on long flights.  Hell, I hold mine on long car rides.  If they didn’t I’d be as shocked as grandma Marion there.

Someone Find Me This Church Singer Now!

Fuck yea!  This guy has “it” and I want some.  His performance is electric.  His vibrato is unparalleled, his falsetto is spectacular, and his confidence is unmatched.  I like how he tried to be humble and say he wore out the other church singer in competitions.  Talk that shit bro!  You’ve earned it.  I need this guy in my life, and I needed him yesterday.  “Looking For a City” is gonna tear up the music charts, that I can guarantee you.  Sure, he fumbled through the beginning and probably wanted to choke the piano player, but it doesn’t matter.  It also doesn’t matter that he almost gave up at the end, because he powered through that shit.  His showmanship is fucking amazing, and I need him in my corner, singing for me while I blog.  The two of us could be the new Simon and Garfunkle, and until he partners up with me I’ll feel like my life is incomplete.

Hawaii 5-0’s Subway Product Placement is Retarded

Product placement is nothing new, television and movies have been subtle for years and slipped in a strategically placed Pepsi sign or Tampax ad in the background of a set.  People are supposed to subconsciously want to buy that product, and no one is really harmed in the end because fuck it, it was just a small Pepsi sign the character walked in front of.  But Hawaii 5-0 blatantly spit in every viewers face and pockets millions from Subway in this short clip.  What you see in this video is nothing more than a commercial for Subway slapped in the middle of an episode.  Now, I don’t watch this piece of shit show, but I’m guessing this fat fuck eating at a table with Subway products littered everywhere wasn’t a major plot point for the episode.  Not only that, but the dialogue was exactly what you’d find in an actual Subway commercial.  Which means this is about as blatant as you can get.  The balls on these guys!  Whether they know it or not, they’re setting a precedent with this product placement.  If people don’t revolt, pretty soon shows will be 12 minutes long with 20 minutes of commercials sprinkled into dialogue.  It’s almost as disgusting as this fat guy eating 5 subs like it ain’t no thing.

Grandma Gets Hit By a Car…Walks it Off Like a Boss

Oh Shit!  Okay, first impressions, we have an overzealous old woman who’s looking to cross an extremely busy road in a foreign country.  There’s about 20 feet of distance between the two cars she jumps inbetween, so things aren’t looking so great for her.  But she believes she can shuffle and waddle her way across the road before the car going 45 would clip her.  She had the determination and balls but clearly not the brains, and because of that she got tossed.  But what did she do?  Did she cry?  Did she lay there all dead like 99% of women would do?  Fuck no.  She gets up, walks over to where her hat flew off her head, put it on, collected her shit and took a breather on the side of the road.  I’m pretty sure that somewhere around the checking for internal bleeding and collecting her shit there would be a slow clap building up from the crowd.  That’s why this granny could play on my team any day of the week and twice on Sundays.  Is she the brightest or most nimble in the group?  Hell no.  But she’s gonna get back up when she gets knocked down, and that’s what it’s all about.

Grandfather’s Video Will Leaves His Dildo Collection to His Son

Quite possibly the best video I’ve ever seen on the internet.  From start to finish, it’s easily one of the best things my eyes have ever witnessed.  But to the meat and potatoes of this video; this old man’s massive dildo collection.  Now, I’m not one to judge anyone’s vices or what makes them tick sexually, to each his own.  But there are ways to go about this, and leaving your son your “most prized possession” should be something a little less uncomfortable than a 1,000 count dildo collection.  I mean, he had these in a storage unit away from his home.  How much do you want to bet his son never even knew about his dad’s asphyxiation with cock?  And I would fucking love to see the dildo he decided to put in a safety deposit box in the bank.  What is it, encrusted with diamonds?  This baffles me.  I can’t imagine the son’s shame when this video plays for everyone in his family, with him getting (literally) fucked over by his dad with 1,000 dildos.

PS – I guess it could be worse for the son though, at least he’s not the son-in-law Ken.  I mean, that guy is Asian.

Band Rides Around on Motorcycle in Russia

If you asked me where this video clip could possibly come from, I’d say without a doubt Russia.  Not even a question.  What else could these kids do besides trick out a motorcycle and mount drums and amps and shit to it?  Hell, you know they downed some vodka and hit the road before this jam session.  This is a pretty smart move on this bands part.  Someone could hear their music and they can blow up, or they die, and become celebrities in their own right with a massive Russian cult following.  Win win.  In Russia, rock and roll play you.

Get a Flexor…The Newest Penis-Shaped Workout Tool

One of my favorite things in the world is infomercials that are ridiculous.  This is my new favorite.  Who wouldn’t want to workout in a manner that is best described as “masturbatory-weightlifting?”  Forget the Shakeweight, the Flexor is the new king of embarrassing home fitness.  Just look at those personal trainers and jacked men beat this thing off in the middle of a field.  It’s infomercial gold.  Just a bunch of guys, grabbing a ball or two, jerking the Flexor off like a sex addicted weight lifter.  Of course these guys have never had a workout like this.  I bet they’ve never been as emotionally scarred and emasculated after a workout quite like what happened with the Flexor.

That’s Alotta Sweat, Bro

Someone get this guy a fucking towel.  That’s Walter Pandiani, a soccer player for Espanyol.  This is just…gross?  I mean, I know people sweat, and these guys play hard and then give an interview a few minutes later.  But you never see it accumulate on a person in such a quick fashion.  That shirt changed colors 3 different times.  I’m pretty sure you can hear puddles of sweat accumulating under the table.  This is just embarrassing, bro.  Have some respect for yourself and wear black or something.  You’re out there looking like a guilty man on trial, not a beloved athlete.

PS – This is totally the way I felt watching the Sox last night.

How Many People Will Vote For Rick Perry Because of This?

So is this how politicians are going to get votes nowadays?  High-budget Michael Bay produced commercials?  This shit had it all.  Abandoned streets, lightning, empty swings on a playground and the most epic soundtrack I’ve ever heard in a political campaign commercial.  I know that these things shouldn’t sway any voters, but the fact is they do.  Dumb Americans are swayed to vote for someone just by the way they dress or look, so why wouldn’t a commercial like this do the same?  I’m saying this works for Rick Perry, and its going to work big.  Shit, I hate most Republican politicians but I might vote for him just on production value alone.  Who else thought a Transformer was going to pop up out of nowhere and blast Obama with a rocket?

66 Chinese Kids Stuffed Into a Van

I don’t know what it is about Chinese culture that interests the hell out of me.  Not the whole traditional Chinese teachings or anything like that, I’m talking about day to day life in China.  When you have a billion people living there, you gotta take some short cuts in the transportation department.  But 66 kids in a van that’s fit for 8?  That’s reckless.  So reckless that I love it.  Hey, I’m not gonna get on my soapbox and tell anyone how they should transport their kids to school.  If you pack that 66th kid into the van when he gets picked up in the carpool, then you know what danger you’re getting these kids into.  But how can you say no to kids getting packed into a van like this, when they’re just going to get to work like this when they’re older…

I fucking love it.