Category Archives: Rant

59 Dolphins “Mysteriously” Stranded on Cape Cod Beaches

NYDailyMail –  Animal welfare experts are trying to figure out what’s causing dozens of dolphins to get stranded on the beaches in Cape Cod this month.  A whopping 59 dolphins have been found onshore as of Tuesday, experts say. Of those 59, rescuers have been able to release 19 back in the water, Kerry Branon of the International Fund for Animal Welfare, which oversees the rescues, told the Daily News.  Experts said the sheer number of dolphins stranding is unusual — even for an area that has seen dolphins wash ashore for centuries.  “I’ve been doing this for 15 years and this is only the second season I’ve seen it like this,” Katie Moore, manager of the International Fund for Animal Welfare’s Marine Mammal Rescue and Research Program, told the Boston Globe.

You know why you’ve never seen anything like this Katie Moore?  It’s because there’s never been anyone on the internet that’s willing to take a stand against dolphins like I am.  And I don’t mean to keep beating a dead horse, but this story only confirms what I feared.  These dolphins are coming for me.  It’s not a coincidence that I come back out of unofficial retirement on this site, publish an article about dolphins, and then these fuckers start kamikaze beaching themselves right in my own back yard.  The Cape ain’t far from here, so I’m pretty sure the dolphin race is sending out scout dolphins to pinpoint exactly where I am.  I’m a threat to these raping assholes and they’re trying to snuff me out.  But I will never, and I repeat NEVER, back down to these porpoise fucks.  For decades they’ve cashed in on their cuteness and gotten away with raping humans every chance they got.  I’m not sitting back and letting it happen.  If I convert one person with these hyperbolic rants then I’ll have done my job.  I see you dolphins, I know you’re coming for me, but I’m not going anywhere.
PS – Check out the bitch crying in this picture.  Really?  You’re crying?  My beliefs on dolphins aside, you’re gonna cry because a bunch of the dumb dolphins decided to crash on the beaches of Cape Cod in the winter?  Get the fuck out of here with that shit.
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What I Won in Fantasy Football (a Breakdown)

First off, fuck you, I know I haven’t updated this site in weeks, but it’s not like I didn’t warn you.  Secondly, I had better things to do than entertain the dozens of people that visit this site on a regular basis.  Fantasy Football wrapped up for me this past week and I fucking won.  Out of the two leagues I was in, I won 1st place and 4th place respectively.  I decided to finally break down my winnings and do some rough calculations on how much I actually earned from this hobby from hell.

One league was for $150, the other for $165 for a total of $315 invested in fantasy football for the year.  In one league I won the weekly total of most points for a team twice, taking home $100 before the playoffs.  So that’s $215 in the hole owed.  In the league I won, I ended up with the best overall record in the regular season, which put $150 in my pocket before playoffs even started.  So before the playoffs I was only down $65 total.  Finally, I won first place in that league, which netted me a very nice payout of $750.  In total, I won $685, not bad for some fantasy football.

But what did I actually earn?  Sure, I won $685, but I put a lot of time, effort and dedication to have the best team in the league.  A lot of man hours went into maintaining the most dominant team I ever assembled.  Let’s kick around some totals combining both leagues and time spent maintaining these teams…

Draft preparations:  4 hours

Weekly team maintenance:  1 hour a week for 16 weeks

Miscellaneous (watching fantasy football TV programs, etc.) : 2 hours a week

That’s a total of about 52 hours of actual work I put into these teams.  That includes making trades, checking out free agents, setting starting lineups, and everything else it takes to win.  52 hours to make $685.  That is the equivalent to working for an hourly wage of $13.18.  And that doesn’t even take into account how much time was wasted watching TERRIBLE football games just because I had a player going for me or against me.  I watched every televised football game available and was satisfied watching maybe 10% of them.  If you calculate how much time was wasted watching 3 hour long games all season, then you’d be able to tell how unrewarding fantasy football is from a monetary perspective.

But you know what?  It’s all totally worth it.  $13.18 an hour?  Awesome, sign me up.  It might not be much money, but I don’t know if there’s anything more rewarding than pretending you own a football team and having them face off against your friend’s fictional team as well for “big” money.  If fantasy football is foreign to you, I’d never be able to explain why a group of guys can actually have fun staring at statistics on a weekly basis.  Being able to say with certainty, “my fantasy team is better than yours” is one of the few joys I have left.  And that’s why I’ll always play this fantasy game from hell.

PS – For those of you curious as to what my team looked like, here were my starters I played almost every single week.

QB: Cam Newton, Phillip Rivers

RB: Maurice Jones-Drew, Darren McFadden, Fred Jackson (Reggie Bush, Michael Bush, Jahvid Best, Kevin Smith bench)

WR: Roddy White, AJ Green, Victor Cruz (Jeremy Maclin bench)

TE: Antonio Gates (Kellen Winslow bench)

DEF: Philly, Chicago

PPS – I owe Cam Newton $685

Top 5 Reasons Why I Haven’t Updated the Site Lately

So I’ve been inactive as hell at updating this blog, and for the people that check in often for all of the latest retarded news and sputterings of an asshole (me) I’m sorry.  But I do have some good reasons.

Reason #1 – Fuck this weather

I know it’s only mid-November, but any true Bostonian will tell you that after October we start dreading doing just about anything.  We have 2 1/2 seasons in Boston, Summer, Winter and about a week of Fall.  There’s very little buffer from hoody weather to “holy shit I can’t feel my face” weather.  And I freeze in August.  So once the temp dipped below 50, I got extremely overwhelmed and layed under the covers every chance I got.  Is this a good excuse not to blog?  No, but it is a definite reason.

Reason #2 – It was my birthday

I celebrated my 25th birthday this past weekend.  I’m quickly creeping up on the age I dread, and to tell you the truth, it kind of depressed me.  I spent time trying to forget about it, and did my best not to look at the date, which meant not wanting to update a site that seemed to be counting down to my mid-20s.  Plus, I drank excessively and forgot I even had a site for a few days.  Happy birthday to me.

 

Reason #3 – Modern Warfare 3 came out

Yea, I know I’m 25 now.  I should probably stop playing video games.  And I should definitely stop playing video games as much as I do.  But I really don’t even care.  I’m from the generation of kids that had console after console while growing up.  Nintendo, Sega, Super Nintendo, N64, Playstation, Xbox, and now next gen consoles.  Video games have been part of my life since I was 4.  I’m not just gonna stop, especially since the games they make now are unbelievable.  Modern Warfare 3 is amazing and addicting as hell.  If I have to choose between playing MW3 with my buddies or combing through the internet for ridiculous stories to blog about, I’m probably picking up the sticks and popping caps in asses 99/100 times.

 

Reason #4 – Football and TV in general

You already know about my obsession with football.  Maybe now you can see how serious I am.  I’ve watched every second I could of football this season, that’s what happens when you do fantasy football with high stakes.  So every Thursday, Sunday and Monday I’m glued to the TV rooting for players you’ve probably never heard of.  It doesn’t stop there though.  My favorite shows are on TV right now, airing new episodes just about every day.  Here’s my schedule…

Sunday – Football

Monday – Football/repeat of Dexter

Tuesday – Sons of Anarchy

Wednesday – South Park

Thursday – It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia/Football

When it comes down to it, I want to be entertained just as much as you do when you look for articles on this site.  These shows are extremely entertaining.

Reason #5 – I’m Lazy

So lazy I stopped writing this article 3 separate times to do absolutely nothing.  Fuck it.  I’m gonna try my best to update this site more often, but like I said, I have a lot of excuses.  Keep reading.

 

Fuckin’ Dolphin Kissing a Dog

I was browsing the internets looking for shit to blog about and I came across this dolphin and dog “sharing a kiss.”  Most of the comments thought it was an adorable moment.  But fuck that.  If there’s one thing I know, it’s dolphins.  And there’s not a shadow of doubt in my mind that this dolphin was 15 seconds away from jumping into that boat and raping everything in it.  Man, woman, both dogs…none would stand a chance.  This dolphin starts out flirting with man’s best friend in order to lull the humans into a false sense of safety.  This smart rape-beast was this close to jumping into that boat and hate-banging the shit out of everything in it.  What really makes me mad though is that people will misinterpret this act of “kissing” as something cute dolphins do because they’re so friendly.  No.  This dolphin is screaming Pepe le Pew with the inter-sepcies rape tactics it’s demonstrating here.  Really makes my blood boil to see this kind of shit.

Man Details 9-Month Affair With DOLPHIN

3 News –  We all love dolphins, from Flipper to Opo – they are a friendly face to the human race.  But Malcolm Brenner, had a friendlier relationship than most.  In 1970, the photographer embarked on a 9 month sexual relationship with Ruby, a captive female dolphin.  He has now written a book about the experience called Wet Goddess.  Mr Brenner spoke to Nightline from his Florida home. Below is the transcript of our conversation.

DF: Thanks for your time. How did this whole thing start?  MB: She began raking her teeth lightly against my arms and legs which was indescribably erotic. Some might find it frightening, I found it erotic.  DF: Now in your book, you talk about how that led on to you two having sex. A lot of people would say that’s wrong, what’s right in your mind about what you did?  MB: What was right with it is that the dolphin initiated the whole sexual thing. As I mentioned, she was in isolation – she’d be using me to satisfy her sexual needs.

The relationship lasted nine months. When Mr Brenner went to college – Ruby passed away – possibly due to a broken heart.  “I’d warn anyone who’s in a relationship with a dolphin. You have to plan an exit strategy,” says Mr Brenner.  Mr Brenner believes around 15 percent of the world’s population has had sexual contact with an animal.  “If you believe the statistics, something like one in every six men and one in seven women has had sexual contact with an animal,” he says.  “How many of those involve dolphins I do not know.”  Mr Brenner’s book, Wet Goddess, is currently rated 5 stars out of 5 on Amazon.com.

I’ve been sitting on this story for about a week now.  I think I’m finally able to wrap my head around it enough to let you know how I feel about it.  Now as you already know, I fucking hate dolphins.  Everything about them.  From their human rape sessions, to their gang-banging death squads, they really chap my ass.  So I am disgusted, I repeat DISGUSTED by this story.

Malcom Brenner is a traitor to his species.  He gets involved with a dolphin in captivity for 9 months and says it was her that was using him, initiating the sexual contact?  Sure, I might buy the fact that this thing was trying to get its freak on with a human, they’re known for that shit.  But if Malcom Brenner wants me to believe that he wasn’t loving every second of it and taking advantage just as much, then he’s got another thing coming.  You’ve got to be a special kind of fucked in the head to get down with a bottled-nosed rape beast for 9 months.  And Brenner is absolutely fucked three ways to Sunday.  It’s one thing if you have to go along with a raping in the ocean form a dolphin.  You’ve gotta do what you can to survive.  But this dude was jumping into a tank every day in order to flog his dolphin with another fucking dolphin.  Yeah, you’re the victim bro.

What’s his deal with the exit strategy thing?  It’s like this isn’t the first time he’s had to get out of sexual relationships with other animals.  “Dogs, horses, sheep, they’re easy to cut and run from.  But dolphins?  You better know what you’re getting into, because that captive beauty is going to die of heartache if you leave her feeling used.”  This can’t be real life.  It’s like he’s some military strategist or something.  This is making my stomach turn.

Not only does Mr. Dolphin Fucker betray his species by humping Flipper, but he tries justifying it with made-up statistics about beastiality.  He really believes in his head that 1 in every 6 men and 1 in every 7 women are going around fucking animals.  So the next time you’re at work, take a look around.  Someone in your immediate vicinity has done things with their pets that you only read about on weird sites like this one.  This guy is fucking certifiable.  And the worst part of it is that “Wet Goddess” has 5 out of 5 stars on Amazon.  People are buying this shit, putting money in his pocket, and patting him on the back for fucking a dolphin back in the 70’s.  I’m still at a loss for words on this one.  I just hope one day that Malcom Brenner gets his just due and gets gang-raped to death by a school of rogue dolphins.  He’s a traitor to our species and I have a feeling that a new circle of hell will be added for freaks like him.

They’re Remaking Scarface

Huffington Post –  Deadline.com is reporting that Universal Pictures is working on a new film in the “Scarface” canon, looking to use the basic elements of the first two films — produced in 1932 and 1983, respectively — to create a new rags to riches, immigrant mobster story.  The move is sure to draw howls from the legion of fans of the Al Pacino-starring film, which featured the the Oscar winner as a Cuban immigrant who grows to own the Miami drug market. Though Hollywood has always thrived on recycling its own products — “Scarface,” after all, is a remake — the industry has ramped up the reboot cycle in the past few years.

This is preposterous!  This is an outrage!  This is fucktarded!  How can you remake Scarface?  It’s a classic.  I could bite my tongue when they said they were remaking Footloose, but not Scarface.  How can you replace Pacino?  How can you risk the sanctity of the franchise like this?  Even though the Pacino version was a remake, it is THE Scarface.  You can’t duplicate Pacino’s performance.  This is seriously a travesty.  This is what Hollywood has come to.  They’re so lazy to look for new ideas, they just remake popular movies from the 80’s and hope people go see it.  And the sad thing is, people will go see this.  Enough for them to say it’s a good idea to remake another classic from the 80’s.  I swear to God, if they remake The Goonies I’m going to lose my mind.

IKEA Debuts “Manland” – A Daycare For Men

That’s right, IKEA has started to construct daycares for men who don’t want to shop with their wives.  I really don’t know how to feel about this.  On one hand, guys can finally get out of shopping with their wives and do something much more fulfilling, like playing XBox or eating a free hot dog.  On the other hand, you’re dropped off like a child and get picked up in a half hour by your girlfriend who just spent $700 on a couch you have to put together by yourself.  This may just be the greatest deception of all time by the female gender.  For decades women have tried dragging their husbands along with them to shop on the weekends.  Usually they’d have to agree to sex, or let them watch the football game with no interruption in exchange for a day of shopping.  But now that these Manlands exist, men will be expected to come along shopping and if they complain it will be WW3.  I believe its our God-given right as men to complain about going shopping.  Now that there are arcade games, free food and televisions to keep us entertained, if we complain we end up looking like assholes.  I see what you’re doing IKEA, and I don’t like it.

What the Fuck Did They Do to Facebook?

This shit is retarded.  As I’ve said before, I HATE Facebook.  But like it or not, Facebook is a necessary evil.  The updates and new look of this is just dumb though.  Usually when they do updates, it’s annoying for a little while but you catch on pretty quickly and get used to it.  I don’t think I’m going to get used to having like 3 newsfeeds and lists of people popping up that Facebook thinks I want to hear from.  Seriously, Facebook is going to tell me what stories I think I want to read in my newsfeed?  Why?  That’s something I can handle on my own, bro.  But what the fuck are we gonna do?  Jump ship?  Go to Google+?  I fucking wish I could.  You think I like creeping on hot girls pages?  You think I like staring at my screen for minutes at a time not actually doing a damn thing?  No, it’s terrible, but I need it. Fuck you, Zuckerberg.

A $200,000 Bottle of Scotch Actually Exists

OnlyExcess – Crafted by Royal Salute as a liquid tribute to the oldest crown jewels in the British Isle, The Honours of Scotland, Tribute To Honours is a blend of some of Chivas Brothers’ oldest and finest whiskey in an over-the-top package.  Master Blender Colin Scott selected a few casks of very well aged whiskey, all at least 45 years old, considered some of the best around. With such a high quality whiskey, they commissioned Garrard, “the world’s oldest jewelers”, to craft a bottle made from black porcelain, adorned with 413 flawless black and white diamonds, as well as 22 carats of other gemstones, set in gold and silver.  Obviously a luxury this rare, only 21 bottles were created, comes at a price. The bottles will cost you $200,000 each.

Well I know what I want for Christmas.  Put me down for two.  You mean to tell me they made a bottle of scotch, blinged it out and are selling it for $200k a pop?  Finally!  Seriously I pray to God that I don’t have the kind of disposable income it would take to afford this shit in my life.  Because if I could buy a bottle of scotch for that much, I’m kinda scared about the other stuff I’d recklessly spend my money on.  I’d probably have a castle in Boston somewhere, functioning moat and everything.  A roller coaster in my backyard.  I’d buy out entire games at Fenway and only invite my friends so we could heckle the Yankees.  I’d be extremely obnoxious with my money.  That’s why you can’t give me any, because I’d be Donald Trump but worse because I’d be more over the top with it.  I’d literally blow through millions without even trying.  On some Brewster’s Millions shit.  Hell, I’d figure out a way to bring John Candy back from the dead and be my sidekick if I had the money to afford this scotch.

Rolling Stones Voters Pick Worst Songs of the ’90s

10. 4 Non Blondes, “What’s Up?”

9. Right Said Fred, ‘I’m Too Sexy’

8. Baha Men, ‘Who Let the Dogs Out?’

7. Celine Dion, ‘My Heart Will Go On’

6. Hanson, ‘MMMBop’

5. Chumbawamba, ‘Tubthumping’

4. Vanilla Ice, ‘Ice Ice Baby’

3. Billy Ray Cyrus, ‘Achy Breaky Heart’

2. Los Del Rio, ‘Macarena’

1. Aqua, ‘Barbie Girl’

So those were voted on by the readers of Rolling Stone for the worst songs of the ’90s.  Unlike the 80’s, the 90’s can’t use cocaine and the Cold War as an excuse for bad pop songs.  Sure, the 90s did bring us some awful music.  But come on.  Some of these are classics.  You show me one person that doesn’t wanna do the running man to “Ice Ice Baby” and I’ll show you an idiot.  Show me one guy who wasn’t drunk off his ass at a football game singing “Who Let The Dogs Out?”  And I learned everything there is to know about perseverance and determination through Chumbawamba.  Sure, in retrospect they are terrible songs.  But that’s what’s so fucking good about them.  They’re ridiculously bad and should make you laugh every time.  I don’t know.  I love these songs.  Think I just found a new playlist.