College Sells Plan B Pills in Vending Machines

WTAE– Vending machines at one Pennsylvania University doesn’t just dispense soda and snacks — it sells the morning-after pill.  At Shippensburg University, getting access to Plan B, the emergency contraception pill is as easy as getting a soda. Students can now buy the pill at a vending machine on campus.”We had some conversations with them and did a survey of the student body and we got an 85 percent response rate that the students supported Plan B in the House Center,” said Dr. Roger Serr, Vice president of Student Affairs at Shippensburg.  The university does not profit from the sales. It pays $25 for one dose and that’s exactly what the student has to pay.  Dr. Serr says that somewhere between 350 and 400 doses are sold each year to the female population.  The pill can be legally sold over-the-counter to anyone 17 or older.

Nothing like some Plan B in the vending machines to welcome students to the college experience.  Now you can get drunk, rage with your friends, knock up a sorority girl, then grab some Doritos and Plan B all in the same building.  This college knows whats up.  No one wants their drunken college hookups to come biting them in the ass 9 months later.  College isn’t a place to find love, it’s a place for bad decisions.  So what does this university do?  Provides the ultimate bad decision fixer for $25 in their vending machines.  Not like anyone can argue with them for it, the kids are obviously getting this over-the-counter anyway, 400 a year before this.  Now they’re making it way easier, which means way more mistakes will be made.  Kinda funny they aren’t putting condoms in these vending machines though.  It’s like they’re just acknowledging the fact that condoms suck and Plan B is a better option.  Hey, I ain’t gonna hate that logic.

Princess the Camel Picks Giants over Patriots in the Super Bowl

Huffington Post –  Princess, the star of New Jersey’s Popcorn Park Zoo, has correctly picked the winner of five of the last six Super Bowls. She went 14 and 6 predicting regular season and playoff games this year, and has a lifetime record of 88-51.  Her pick this year: The New York Giants.  The Bactrian camel’s prognostication skills flow from her love of graham crackers. Zoo general manager John Bergmann places a cracker and writes the name of the competing teams on each hand. Whichever hand Princess nibbles from is her pick. On Wednesday, she made her pick with no hesitation at all, predicting bad news for Bill Belichick, Tom Brady and the New England Patriots, even though the Las Vegas oddsmakers have New England favored by about 3 points.  Her only miscue in the big game was picking the Indianapolis Colts over the New Orleans Saints two years ago, indicating that even camels know it’s generally risky to go against Peyton Manning.

I was completely ready to send one of my minions straight to Popcorn Park Zoo in New Jersey to kill the fuck out of Princess the camel.  I had my finger on the button, ready to bust out the big guns.  I’ve had to hear 24/7 about the rematch of the century between my beloved Pats and the god damn Giants for the past week.  And then this?  You can only push a man to the brink so many times before he snaps, and a fucking camel telling me my Patriots would lose to the Giants was my limit.  But I set my phone down calmly, read the article again, and know exactly what’s going on here.  Princess is a Manning lover.  It’s blatantly obvious now.  This bitch picked the Colts over the Saints in the Super Bowl?  No one thought that shit was gonna happen.  No one.  And now she picks Eli to ruin the Super Bowl again?  God damnit, not on my watch.  I promised myself I wasn’t going to get angry.  I promised myself I wasn’t going to let a dumb ass camel get the best of me.  But for the next week, it’s US vs. THEM.  There’s a line drawn in the sand, you’re either with us or against us.  I don’t care if it’s a camel, if she picks against the Pats, she’s public enemy #1.  So the camel hunt is back on.  $1 million to the first person to send me the hump of Princess on a silver platter.  It should make for a good spread at my Super Bowl party.

“Show Me ‘His Schlong!'”

When did Family Feud start asking stoned college kids what their top answers would be to a category?  Steve Harvey looked like he was about to explode when 3 people answered “his schlong.”  Not to mention granny was appalled, and the hot chick was pissed at herself for not guessing the first thing that popped into her head.  But it’s not like you can disagree with the three assholes that answered schlong.  Of course pilots are holding their dicks on long flights.  Hell, I hold mine on long car rides.  If they didn’t I’d be as shocked as grandma Marion there.

Oh Look, Miley Cyrus With a Penis Cake

 

It’s Miley Cyrus!  Isn’t she so fun and comedic?  It’s her boyfriends birthday, so what does she do to celebrate his important day?  Does she buy him a car?  Take him on a tropical vacation?  Agree to a threesome?  No.  She buys him a penis cake and takes a billion provocative pictures with it that made their way all over the internet.  Classy.  If I was her boyfriend there would have been a domestic disturbance later that night.

Man Claims It Was Really a Ghost That Punched His Wife

Huffington Post –  Rather than say “The Devil made me do it,” a Wisconsin man arrested on domestic abuse charges told police that a ghost punched his wife, authorities said.  Police responded to the disturbance call at approximately 8 p.m., Sunday, according to a Fond du Lac County Sheriff’s report obtained by The Smoking Gun. At the scene they found 41-year-old Michael West and his wife, who told cops that her husband twice attempted to strangle her and struck her in the face when she attempted to contact 911.  West told authorities that his wife sustained injuries as a result of several falls, The Northwestern reports. When an officer pressed the issue, West allegedly changed his alibi, opting instead for a supernatural excuse — “A ghost did it.”  West is charged with domestic abuse, strangulation, battery, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest. He remains in custody in lieu of $1,000 bail.

Michael West, you sand-bagging sonofabitch!  This has to take the cake for one of the best domestic abuse excuses ever.  I’m never gonna sit here and say that someone should get out of jail if they are found guilty of hitting their wife.  But if there’s ever a time where someone’s excuse for hitting their wife should get the charges dropped, then it’s this instance.  It’s just a great line,“a ghost did it.”  It’s so perfect.  It can be applied to literally anything.  Why were you smoking weed?  “A ghost did it.”  Why did you steal that car?  “A ghost did it.”  Why are you strangling your wife?  “A fucking ghost did it.”  How can you prove otherwise?  Sure, their may be witnesses or physical evidence that can prove your guilt, but can anyone disprove that a ghost really did it?  Some kind of spiritual entity could have done it, and that’s all I’d need to know if I was on a jury.  It’s the job of the state to prove within a reasonable doubt that someone is guilty of said crime.  If they can’t prove a ghost didn’t do it then you must acquit.  I’ll be waiting anxiously to see if this excuse works, but you better believe that I’m trying it out the next time I have a run in with the cops.

Hawaii 5-0’s Subway Product Placement is Retarded

Product placement is nothing new, television and movies have been subtle for years and slipped in a strategically placed Pepsi sign or Tampax ad in the background of a set.  People are supposed to subconsciously want to buy that product, and no one is really harmed in the end because fuck it, it was just a small Pepsi sign the character walked in front of.  But Hawaii 5-0 blatantly spit in every viewers face and pockets millions from Subway in this short clip.  What you see in this video is nothing more than a commercial for Subway slapped in the middle of an episode.  Now, I don’t watch this piece of shit show, but I’m guessing this fat fuck eating at a table with Subway products littered everywhere wasn’t a major plot point for the episode.  Not only that, but the dialogue was exactly what you’d find in an actual Subway commercial.  Which means this is about as blatant as you can get.  The balls on these guys!  Whether they know it or not, they’re setting a precedent with this product placement.  If people don’t revolt, pretty soon shows will be 12 minutes long with 20 minutes of commercials sprinkled into dialogue.  It’s almost as disgusting as this fat guy eating 5 subs like it ain’t no thing.

Woman Offers Sexual Favors for Chicken McNuggets

Burbank Leader –  A Los Angeles woman was arrested after she offered sexual favors in exchange for chicken McNuggets, Burbank police said.  Khadijah Baseer of Los Angeles reportedly opened customers’ car doors in the drive-thru of McDonald’s on the 1700 block of Olive Avenue about 11 p.m. Wednesday, asking for free chicken McNuggets in exchange for sexual favors, Officer Joshua Kendrick said.   A man told police Baseer approached him but he refused the offer.

What is going on with these fast food stories?  First, in a sign that the apocalypse is among us, Burger King decides to deliver, now we have prostitutes forcefully giving head for chicken McNuggets in the drive thru.  What the fuck are they putting in the chickens to make this woman bug out?  I mean, what we have here is a chickenhead, fucking for some chicken, and that’s a sentence I never thought I’d ever write in my life.  But come on Khadijah…McNuggets?  Really?  It’s like a dollar for four of these fuckers.  Blowjobs for a dollar’s worth of food?  Come on, you’re better than that.  At least try and get a few McDoubles out of the situation.  Something classy like angus burgers might be out of the question, but anything is better than McNuggets.  And if you do want to pull this off for sexual favors, you need to execute it better.  You don’t just run up on the drive thru and start opening doors and asking for nuggets while cupping their nuggets.  That’s poor form.

PS – Some guy really refused this offer and called the cops?  Come on.  I mean, if you don’t want a blowjob for cheap, then just politely say no and go home and eat your McDonald’s.  There’s no reason to get the police involved.  Then you’re just ruining it for the rest of us.

59 Dolphins “Mysteriously” Stranded on Cape Cod Beaches

NYDailyMail –  Animal welfare experts are trying to figure out what’s causing dozens of dolphins to get stranded on the beaches in Cape Cod this month.  A whopping 59 dolphins have been found onshore as of Tuesday, experts say. Of those 59, rescuers have been able to release 19 back in the water, Kerry Branon of the International Fund for Animal Welfare, which oversees the rescues, told the Daily News.  Experts said the sheer number of dolphins stranding is unusual — even for an area that has seen dolphins wash ashore for centuries.  “I’ve been doing this for 15 years and this is only the second season I’ve seen it like this,” Katie Moore, manager of the International Fund for Animal Welfare’s Marine Mammal Rescue and Research Program, told the Boston Globe.

You know why you’ve never seen anything like this Katie Moore?  It’s because there’s never been anyone on the internet that’s willing to take a stand against dolphins like I am.  And I don’t mean to keep beating a dead horse, but this story only confirms what I feared.  These dolphins are coming for me.  It’s not a coincidence that I come back out of unofficial retirement on this site, publish an article about dolphins, and then these fuckers start kamikaze beaching themselves right in my own back yard.  The Cape ain’t far from here, so I’m pretty sure the dolphin race is sending out scout dolphins to pinpoint exactly where I am.  I’m a threat to these raping assholes and they’re trying to snuff me out.  But I will never, and I repeat NEVER, back down to these porpoise fucks.  For decades they’ve cashed in on their cuteness and gotten away with raping humans every chance they got.  I’m not sitting back and letting it happen.  If I convert one person with these hyperbolic rants then I’ll have done my job.  I see you dolphins, I know you’re coming for me, but I’m not going anywhere.

PS – Check out the bitch crying in this picture.  Really?  You’re crying?  My beliefs on dolphins aside, you’re gonna cry because a bunch of the dumb dolphins decided to crash on the beaches of Cape Cod in the winter?  Get the fuck out of here with that shit.

New Facebook App “If I Die” Will Allow You to Compose Final Update

So everyone’s talking about this new If I Die app and how you can compose your final status update or video or whatever.  I can’t be the only one that thinks this is a terrible idea, right?  When I see status updates by friends or family, it usually proves that they have no mental filter or good decision making skills when it comes to what they put out there for friends to see.  Hell, I’m guilty of it myself.  But now people are going to be sitting down and thinking of their last words they want their friends to read and cry over after they die?  Does anyone else see how bad this can turn out?  Dumb girls, frat guys, incompetent parents…all trying to be the next Willy Shakespeare at the keyboard and tell people their great philosophical thoughts on life.  I can say there’s maybe 20 people on my friends list I’d actually cry if they died, but I don’t want to watch them doing a keg stand and yelling about the Bruins and having that be the last thing people are reminded of.

Burger King to Begin Home Deliveries

DailyMail –  In a move that is sure to send a shiver down the spines of anti-obesity campaigners everywhere, fast-food giant Burger King has announced plans to launch a home delivery service.  The nation’s second largest burger chain has been quietly testing the service at four of its restaurants in the greater Washington area.  For decades burger restaurants have resisted introducing home-delivery services as the snacks don’t travel well and tend to go soggy when warmed up in a microwave.  But Burger King claims to have solved the problem by developing what it calls ‘proprietary thermal packaging technology,’ which ensures the food won’t arrive cold and congealed.

If there’s one thing Americans need, it’s fast food delivery service.  Universal health care?  Pfffft.  It’s about time someone got our priorities straight.  No longer will we have to get up off the couch, throw on clothes, make a 10 minute drive, wait in line at the drive-thru, and then demolish 2000 calories in the parking lot because you’re too ashamed to eat inside.  It will be as easy as dialing a number, mumbling a combo number and waiting in your underwear on the sofa.  This is revolutionary!  This is awful!  This is America!