Are You High? Do You Want Your Mind Blown? Stare At This

1) Stare at the Red Dot for 30 seconds

2) Stare at a plain surface (a wall, ceiling, etc.)

3) Blink repeatedly

4) Get your mind blown

 

I’m not even high but feel like I should be.  My mind’s playing tricks on me and shit.

Grandma Gets Hit By a Car…Walks it Off Like a Boss

Oh Shit!  Okay, first impressions, we have an overzealous old woman who’s looking to cross an extremely busy road in a foreign country.  There’s about 20 feet of distance between the two cars she jumps inbetween, so things aren’t looking so great for her.  But she believes she can shuffle and waddle her way across the road before the car going 45 would clip her.  She had the determination and balls but clearly not the brains, and because of that she got tossed.  But what did she do?  Did she cry?  Did she lay there all dead like 99% of women would do?  Fuck no.  She gets up, walks over to where her hat flew off her head, put it on, collected her shit and took a breather on the side of the road.  I’m pretty sure that somewhere around the checking for internal bleeding and collecting her shit there would be a slow clap building up from the crowd.  That’s why this granny could play on my team any day of the week and twice on Sundays.  Is she the brightest or most nimble in the group?  Hell no.  But she’s gonna get back up when she gets knocked down, and that’s what it’s all about.

U.S. Military Trains Dolphins to Spy on Terrorists…The End of the World is Near

Well fuck.  This has to be the scariest news I’ve heard since I got the results back from my doctor.  Make no mistake about it, the military training dolphins to be spies will be the unraveling of mankind as we know it.  We already know how smart these porpoise pricks are, but now they’re getting military training?  This is terrible news.  Not only were these animals raping and pillaging in the water before the training, but now they’re actually more precise than sonar?  We humans don’t stand a chance.  At some point I have to put my foot down.  I for one will not be taking part in making these rapists smarter, and anyone that does should be charged with treason to the human race.  Dolphins are smarter than most humans, and now with the proper military training, it’s only a matter of time before we’re bowing down to Flipper and friends.  The Planet of the Apes could never happen, but if you don’t think dolphins could one day rule the world, you are naive my friend.

Kindergartner Brings Crack Pipe in for Show and Tell

Huffington Post –  A kindergartner at Sweet Springs Elementary School shocked his instructor earlier this month when he presented the class with his mother’s crack pipe and drugs later identified as methamphetamine, KCTV5 reports.  After school administrators contacted authorities, police arrested the boy’s mother, 32-year-old Michelle Marie Cheatham, and charged her with possession of a controlled substance and first-degree child endangerment, according to Saline County’s Marshal Democratic News.  Teachers made the show-and-tell discovery on Tuesday, Sept. 6. and police charged Cheatham six days later.  The drugs were reportedly worth around $3,700.

This story stinks of shit to me.  This kid is a Narc if I’ve ever heard of one.  I don’t care if he’s 5, he just sent his mom to jail, and he knows exactly what he did.  Think about it.  This kid has show and tell coming up.  You remember show and tell, right?  You’d bring in a toy or a baseball card or a postcard from some place your family visited on vacation, your friends would pass it around and be jealous and you’d sit back down and have a snack.  You only brought things to show and tell that were yours, or you knew would have a good response from your classmates.  This kid brings in his moms crack pipe and $3.700 worth of meth?  Umm, what?  No, this little shit knew it would get his mom in trouble and so he took her precious drugs and showed them to the whole class.  If it was an innocent mistake he would have just brought the pipe in and told them it was mommy’s inhaler.  But bringing $3,700 worth of drugs too?  Shiiiiiiiiit.  Mommy must have given him a timeout he didn’t think he deserved.

PS – How does a crackhead have $3,700 worth of drugs at any given time?

Ali Lohan Looks Like an Alien at 17

Ouch.  This isn’t a good look, Ali.  Now I know you gotta kick it up a notch with the crazy when you’re living in the shadow of your fucktastic family.  But getting 56 cosmetic surgeries on your face when you’re 17 isn’t the way to do it.  Sure your big sis is a train wreck at full speed.  You’re dad is certifiably insane.  Your mom is a lunatic.  I can see why you may want to try and change your facial appearance so as to not look like your family.  Pretty solid logic actually.  Sure, you may look like the Cat Woman, but at least no one will call you a Lohan.

Son Knocks Mother Out For Telling Him to Stop Practicing Martial Arts in the House

Daily Mail –  Cory William Morrel, 27, allegedly knocked out his mother after she told him to stop practising martial arts in their Florida home.  She was kicked in the head by her son and left unconscious for five minutes, police said. Morrel has been arrested on suspicion of battery, the Naples Daily News reported.  Collier County sheriff’s deputies were dispatched to Morrel’s home on Friday and found his mother was unable to recall what happened and appeared disoriented and nervous.  She shouted at her son several times, asking him what happened, reports said.  Morrel told deputies that while practising martial arts in the living room, he accidentally kicked a wall causing a scuff mark, the Naples Daily News reported.  He said his mother became angry with him and cursed at him.  It is unclear what happened next due to redacted information related to Morrel kicking his mother in the head, but the suspect said he called 911 when she became unconscious.

Look, sometimes you need to just practice martial arts in your mother’s home without her nagging.  I get it.  Who else hasn’t been watching Karate Kid and immediately did the crane kick when it ended?  Who else watches UFC and then pretends they’re Anderson Silva with flying knees to a family member’s chin?  It’s American is what it is.  So I’m not gonna hate on this guy for getting his kung fu on and scuffing his mom’s walls.  She’ll get over it.  But you don’t knock your mother out, bro.  Poor form.  I mean, she lets a 27 year old man that practices karate unofficially live with her.  You’re pretty much Kip from Napoleon Dynamite.  You don’t knock her out.  You eat shit and stop practicing your leg sweeps when she tells you to.  Now you’re the guy that lost his cool and knocked his mom out with a move you saw a Ninja Turtle do.  Way to go.

Steven Seagal Sued For Killing a Puppy

Huffington Post –  Look out Steven Seagal! A Phoenix man is out for justice, suing the action film star and the Maricopa County sheriff’s department for killing his puppy during the taping of a reality TV show.  The unlucky dog was marked for death while cameras taped a raid on Jesus Sanchez Llovera’s home in March by sheriff’s deputies and camouflage-clad Seagal, who rode in a tank for an episode of “Steven Seagal: Lawman”, TMZ reported.  Llovera’s 11-month-old hound wasn’t hard to kill. The lawsuit said that the dog was shot while the police and Seagal overtook his home in a hunt for an alleged illegal cockfighting ring, The Associated Press reported.  Anyone who saw the bust could have thought that Llovera was under siege. Deputies in armored cars blew out his windows and knocked down the gate outside his property, according to The Wrap. More than 100 hens and roosters were on deadly ground that day and were euthanized, The Wrap said.  “Animal cruelty is one of my pet peeves,” Seagal told TV station ABC-15, which to watch the action by publicity-hungry Sheriff Joe Arpaio, known for making inmates wear pink.  Did the martial arts fanatic and Dalai Lama supporter act like he was above the law? Llovera apparently thinks so. He wants $25,000 for emotional distress, humiliation and property damage, The Arizona Republic said. He’s demanding a written apology from arpaio too, the newspaper said.

I’m not quite sure what this Jesus Sanchez Llovera is trying to get at with this law suit?  First off, he’s suing Seagal for his dog dying when he was running an illegal cockfighting ring?  Secondly, he realizes he’s suing a man that could decapitate him with his thumbs, right?  Steven Seagal is a superhero in his own mind.  He trains UFC Champions in martial arts he claims he created, and he drives by with a camera crew in tanks and shit shooting puppies on a mission to save animals.  That’s the kind of crazy I’m literally in love with.  It’s why I think Brian Wilson, Charlie Sheen, Gary Busey and Steven Seagal should team up to be Super Friends or something.  These men know how to think outside the box and remind us all that we’re…normal?  But I’m still envious as shit of them.  These guys are on the front line of being functional clinically insane human beings.  That’s why I’m not surprised Seagal killed this dog.  Hell, he probably did it with his feet and said something like, “This time…not ALL dogs go to heaven” and winked at the camera.

Teacher Makes 2 Students Fight it Out After Classroom Dispute

DailyMail –  A 39-year-old teacher has been accused of marching two arguing students from his classroom and ordering them to resolve their dispute by fighting outside.  The boys, who are just 14 and 13, were forced to ‘slap it out’ with each other for 20 minutes before their teacher, Patrick Kocsis, was satisfied.  He has now been suspended by the district and faces two counts of misdemeanour child neglect after the incident on Monday at McMillan Magnet Center middle school in north-east Omaha.  Nelson said typically a teacher would have referred the boys to an administrator.  But Evans said Kocsis instead led the boys out of the class and down hallways, past the office.  Her son Micah told wowt.com that Kocsis said: ‘I’m going to do it my way.’  The schoolboy added: ‘The teacher said slap it out. We asked him twice if he was serious and he said yeah.’  So the boys then flailed away and grappled for about 20 minutes.  Micah told wowt.com: ‘We weren’t serious at all, just joking around. I put him (the other student) in a headlock and asked him if he was done and he said yeah.  ‘So we went to the teacher and asked him if we can go back in and he said no, keep going.’

I applaud this teacher.  Sure, what he did was reckless and the absolute definition of child abuse, but so what?  Kids these days never get called out on their bullshit.  You know this teacher had a bad day, was tired of these asshole teenagers causing trouble in his classroom, and said fuck it.  What’s he gonna do, send them to the office for the 12th time?  That never helps.  Getting sent out of class is a badge of honor to kids like this.  It wouldn’t have changed a thing.  Instead, he stops the class, walks with the kids PAST the office and made them fight outside for twenty minutes.  Even when they asked if they could stop fighting each other, he told them to keep going.  I don’t know if you’re familiar with fights, but in the UFC they only fight for 15 minutes in most fights.  20 minutes is a damn marathon.  He was obviously trying to prove a point with these assholes.  If you wanna act like a big tough guy, you better bring it.  Or Mr. Kocsis will make you fight for your life by the flag pole.  If he doesn’t lose his job I guarantee you no other punks will give him a hard time in the classroom.  Fact.

 

Nice Triple Play, Bro

Probably one of the most improbable triple play you’ll ever see.  This is a freak accident on the baseball field, and this kid was as shocked as everyone else that he made that catch.  How do you bobble a ball, have it hit off your head, and still catch it?  Those runners are at no fault for getting in the triple play.  That centerfielder had a horse shoe up his ass out there.  Just gotta put your head down and make your way back to the dugout.

PS – He should wipe that dumb smile off his face and act like he’s been there before.

Teenage Girls Dance Around as FATTEST BABY EVER Faceplants

(Do yourself a favor and fast forward to 1:30)

Jesus Christ.  So this is what Chunk from The Goonies would have looked like as a baby, right?  I don’t think you can even call this thing a baby.  What is he?  8 years old?  Definitely pushing 150 and he’s in g-string diapers.  The video starts out and he’s just rocking back and forth like someone was waving food in front of him off-camera.  What is that?  It was like a weird fat baby trance dance.  So, these weird ass girls decide at the 1:30 mark to include Baby Huey in the shenanigans.  Before you can blink your eyes BOOM, he’s out for the count.  Just epicly losing at keeping his own weight up under his wobbly legs.  And what do these terrible babysitters do when he’s struggling to breathe?  Slap his back a little and keep dancing, that’s what.  Sure enough, he gets up and makes his way back to his comfort zone, the couch.  Maybe if he got off that thing more often he’d be able to walk normally and not pass out due to lack of oxygen.

PS – I bet these girls thought it would be hysterical to do this lipdub video to the “Tonight Tonight” song.  They had the underwear outside their clothes and the terrible dance moves, and they probably thought it would be good enough to make their friends like it on Facebook.  But did they even think of making this fat baby more of a marquee role in the video?  No, that would be funny.  If they wanted one of the greatest videos of all time, they woulda turned the music off, turned the camera on Chunk, and got out of the way.