Raccoons Invade School, Pee on Students…”Nothing to See Here”

Newser – Are raccoons the new bullies? In one Florida middle school, yes. CBS12 reports on an infestation so bad that parents started calling the station for help, telling it that the wild creatures had been in residence for weeks, and that the school hadn’t sent home warnings. Even worse: One raccoon reportedly peed on a student. “Something wet started dripping down on his backpack, then eventually on him,” confirmed a student at Woodlands Middle School in Lake Worth. Grosser still: “You’re sitting at your desk, doing your class work, and all of a sudden there’s liquid running from the ceiling,” one mother explained. Palm Beach County Health Department inspectors confirmed the invasion, and reports that it gave the school an unsatisfactory grade on Feb. 9. Now the school has until March 9 to get rid of the animals. Here’s the school principal’s comforting reaction: “Raccoon activity is confined to a small portion of the school building and does not impact a large number of students. Therefore, mass notification to parents at this time has not taken place.”

I don’t know what the big deal is here, these parents need to quit bitching, .  The principal of this middle school clearly has it under control.  So what there’s been raccoon’s roaming the halls for a few weeks now?  So what health inspectors gave the school an unsatisfactory grade?  So what there’s raccoon piss dripping all over the kids?  The principal of Woodlands Middle School is on the case and he has a month to figure shit out.  These parents have their panties in a bunch because no one notified them that raccoon’s were dropping in on these classes?  Principal just comes right out and says “Whoa, slow your role.  These ‘coons are only pissing on a few students, we’re looking into it.”  That’s the type of PR response that just turns the story on its ears.  This principal can man my ship any day.  He sees raccoons pissing on kids’ heads, laughs it off and keeps it moving.  Nothing to see here, just a little raccoon piss folks.

PS – Whole time I just pictured Charlie from Always Sunny in Philadelphia laughing about raccoon meat.

Homeless Man Squat in Ann Curry’s $2.9 Million House

DailyMail –  A $2.9m New York house belonging to Ann Curry has been taken over by squatters.  The Today Show host has been renovating the Upper West Side townhouse since she bought it eight years ago.  But it has been lived in by at least one homeless man for the past year after building work stopped because of a fight with neighbours.  The 54-year-old journalist bought the house on West 71st Street with her husband, Brian Ross, in 2003 and began the renovation works.  But all major construction stopped five years ago after a string of alleged Buildings Department violations and a lawsuit, in which four neighbours sued Curry for $900,000.  The homeless man was removed from the property yesterday at around 9am.  He said he had spent most of last winter in the 3,700-square-foot home, but did not know who the television host was.  ‘I’ve been living there for about a year now,’ he told the New York Post.  ‘I’m not a drug addict, I just don’t have a place to sleep.’  ‘Ann Curry means c**p to me’ he added. ‘The reason I lived there was because they chased me out of Central Park.’  The man said he first got into the property after contractors failed to lock up.

This man has the right idea.  I could care less that this is Ann Curry’s house.  That’s not the story here.  The real story is squatter’s rights.  Don’t know what squatter’s rights are?  Long story short, what this guy did is completely legal.  That’s right, legal.  If there’s no posted signs saying no trespassing, or any sign of breaking and entering, you can live pretty much anywhere you want that’s abandoned.  The only trick is you basically can’t leave because once you do, you have no claim to the property.  This is why I have trouble understanding why more homeless people don’t do this.  Maybe a lot would rather sleep on a bench, or scare girls are a train station.  But if it was me, I’d be squatting in mansions just like this guy.  You just gotta have the balls to do it.  It’s not a move for the squeamish.  People will get mad, yell at you, call you the scum of the Earth, etc.  But when it all comes down to it, you’ll be the one living in a mansion scott-free and they won’t be.

PS – Really Ann Curry?  You’re gonna buy a $3 million home and renovate it for 8 years?  You deserve to have squatters ruin the smell of your home.  I don’t care if there were complaints about construction that made you stop.  If you take that long to renovate a mansion then you should at the very least house some homeless there.  Might do the city some good.  While you’re at it, why not just hire some homeless guys to do the construction on the low and offer to let them stay till it’s done.  I guarantee you the house would be faster than the way she went about this.

My First Outraged Commenter…Finally

Alright, so yesterday before I went to work I posted an article about the woman stealing a foul ball from a little girl.  Pretty normal type of blog, nothing too crazy I don’t think.  So I was surprised when I got an email about someone who commented and was pissed.  Now, normally I wouldn’t care.  But here’s the comment…

Fuck off you miserable piece of shit internet bully. Can’t cut it as a man in the real world so you take out your frustrations in cyberspace? You enjoy the touch of a woman? I’ll bet the only woman you’ve ever touched was your sister in the bathtub. From the look of your blog you’ve made quite a rep for yourself as an all around asshole. Still live with mommy? I know people from Boston and can safely say that your blog does not represent their views on the world, only the views of a pathetic virgin who has too much time on his hands. Get a job, loser.

Jesus Christ, what’s twisting this bitches tits?  You’d assume I was a blogging Hitler over here with this type of response.  Anyway, I laughed my ass off.  But I feel I gotta respond to this crazy woman because it’s my first outraged comment.  Pretty big moment in this site’s existence.  So here we go…

• Internet bully?  Really?  It’s not like I attack anyone too badly unless it’s funny.  And if it’s funny, I don’t care, I’m gonna say it.  You should know that.  If you can’t pick up the general demeanor of this site and how sarcastic I am then you don’t belong here.
• Yes, I enjoy the touch of a woman.  Many call me The Pale Clydesdale.  And I know I’ve seen more vagina than you have seen penis’.  It sounds like you haven’t been laid since Alf was still on TV.  And for your information, me and my sister haven’t taken a bath together since I was 3.  Or maybe it was 13?  I don’t remember.
• All around asshole?  What gave that away?  Maybe the motto of the site?  “Boston’s Resident A-Hole.”  This is one dumb cunt, huh?
• Live with my mommy?  For your information, I moved out of my parent’s house 2 months ago!  Pffftt.
• I bet the people you know from Boston are yuppies that moved here and live in Cambridge.  You definitely don’t know a real Bostonian.  I’m from Southie and can find hundreds if not thousands of strangers around here that share my opinion on a lot of this stuff on this site, or will at least laugh at it.  Most at least take it for what it is, comedy.  I’m 24, from Southie, and a smart ass.  We’re a dime a dozen around here.  So while my views may not represent everyone’s views, I don’t give a fuck.  Obviously.  If I cared about what people thought of me do you think I’d say some of the shit I say?  No.  You’re dumb.
• Again, the virgin thing.  Do I really come off like a virgin?  ‘Cause I want the ladies to know…I’m amazing.  I mean, like, really good.  And if you don’t think so, you come here and I’ll prove it.  I think that’s what this chick is hinting at anyway.  She hasn’t been groped or anything since feathered hair and New Kids on the Block were cool.  Is this what you want Enginedog?  Are you trying to seduce me with rage?
• Got a job, it sucks, but it pays the bills.  You must have a lot of time on your hands to get so angry at my site and write a paragraph attacking me.  Why are you so upset?  You must be this girls mother or something.  Just searching for anyone that blogged about it and went off on anyone who said anything bad about your daughter that can’t catch.  Psycho shit there.

So congratulations Enginedog, you were the first person outraged enough by my jokes that they expressed it in words.  I feel like I’ve finally made it.  I mean, I’m sure some stuff I’ve wrote about has pissed some off, but none have taken enough time to go off on me.  I fucking love it.  Hey, don’t dish it out if you can’t take it right?  Listen honey, I’m from Boston, I have thick skin.  Whatever you gotta say about me, I’ll usually laugh at or shit on your existence afterward.  But honestly, thank you for the love.  I’m done with you, but totally hope you keep coming back to the site.  Views are views.

PS – Ladies, I want you to know, I am totally not a virgin.

Sarah Palin Talks About Paul Revere…wow

“He who warned, uh, the British that they weren’t going to be taking away our arms, uh, by ringing those bells and making sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free and we were going to be armed.”

Wow.  Nice try, I guess?  Paul Revere, he who warned the British, by ringing bells and riding his horse and busting caps in the air is an important figure in American history.  So of course Sarah Palin wasn’t caught off guard by this question like a deer in headlights.  She knew exactly what she was talking about.  This version of the story seems like a 7 year old retold it and just kept going on about nothing.  I honestly think that the only American history this chick has ever read was off the side of her tour bus.

Deer Jumps Over Motorcycle to Avoid Being Hit

Talk about showmanship!  This deer is the Johnny Knoxville of deers, I’m sure, and probably had a film crew of his own capturing this from the bushes roadside.  This must be what a select population of teenage deers must do for fun.  Just complete disregard for his own safety.  Runs across a lane of oncoming traffic, and then hurdles over another biker just for shits and giggles.  He must have witnessed countless deers over the years succumb to highway crossings, and he just spit in the face of everyone’s misconception of a deer in headlights.  This deer saw those headlights and shit on them from 5 feet in the air.

Man Killed By Mulching Machine

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Well that’s gotta be one of the worst ways to die ever, huh? Just sleeping out in a field, already down in the dumps and at rock bottom. Then the next minute your face is getting flung around the woods, your favorite jacket is ruined and you’re dead. But as I’m thinking about it, this had to be a suicide. There is no amount of drug or alcohol that would prevent a sleeping man in the woods from hearing a mulching machine fuck shit up on its way to you. This guy had to be at the end of his rope, just saying “fuck it.” That’s one brave man right there. Just biting the bullet and saying, “it’d be pretty bad ass if I died from a mulching machine.” This sorta reminds me of that scene from Fargo with the woodchipper. Just one gruesome death.

Would You Hit It? (Try Not to Throw Up)

 

Oh….my…God.  I’ve heard of apple bottoms, but this needs to be called something else.  Apple orchard maybe?  And you can’t call this thing a tramp stamp.  This is like a tramp license plate.  I don’t know…But here’s the question….Would you hit it?

 

Model Walking Like a Drunk

Jesus Christ that was an epic fail.  Look honey, you’re paid to do one thing, wear clothes and walk.  How hard is that?  You looked like every girl I’ve ever seen on a Saturday night exodus of the bars at Fanueil.  At least they just carry their shoes with them all drunkenly, they know they can’t walk in them.  But look at you, (probably) sober, grabbing onto dear life from that guy at the end.  And even with his help you fall all over yourself.  Poor performance.

PS – If I’m ever in an audience at a fashion show and a model fucks up this bad, you better believe I’m not giving them a golf clap.  It’s all out boo’s and heckles till they get her off the stage.

Celtics Beat Heat; Take 3-0 lead on the Season

Boston.com – Rajon Rondo had a triple-double with 11 points, 10 assists and 10 rebounds, and the defending Eastern Conference champion Boston Celtics beat the Miami Heat 85-82 on Sunday to clinch the season series against their top pursuer.  LeBron James scored 22 points for Miami, which had won eight in a row. But he missed the first of two free throws with 13 seconds left and the Heat trailing by two points.  The Celtics (39-14) took back the top spot in the conference from Miami (39-15) and earned the tiebreaker for home-court advantage in the playoffs.  Kevin Garnett scored 19 with seven rebounds and Kendrick Perkins had a season-high 15 points for Boston, which snapped a two-game losing streak. Paul Pierce was 0-for-10 shooting and finished with one point, his lowest scoring total since 1999.

Nothing makes me happier than seeing the Celtics prove why they are the best team in the NBA.  Other teams go on their little runs, have some impressive performances here and there, but when it comes down to it, if you’re not beating the Celtics, then you need to go home and reassess your season.  The Heat try and act like they’re the team to beat, but they’ve proven they can’t handle us at any point in the season.  And as banged up as we are I’d say this is a win that we’ll take forward and past the All Star break.  Rondo played amazing, notching yet another triple double on the season.  Garnett and Perkins were physical in the paint all game, and Big Baby and Von Wafer played huge off the bench.  Even when the officials tried to give the game to the Heat in the 4th with all the bullshit calls, we hunkered down and made shots when they mattered.  And I’m not going to bash Paul Pierce either.  Sure, he went 0-10 and only had 1 point.  But his physicality was needed on the floor and was important nonetheless.  I’ve watched Pierce long enough to know that you don’t doubt his shot.  He’s professional enough to shrug it off and know that the next shot he takes can go in.  That’s why I’m betting he comes out in the next game and just goes the fuck off.