The New England Patriots Are Super Bowl Bound in a Rematch of the Century!

In what had to be one of the most nerve-wracking playoff games I’ve seen in a long time, the New England Patriots defeated the Baltimore Ravens 23-20, clawing their way to their 5th Super Bowl in 11 years.  It was a true example of old school NFL defense versus new school NFL offense, and these teams were two of the best examples of each.  Tom Brady led the best offense in the NFL to another Super Bowl appearance even though his stat line wasn’t too appealing.  He finished 22/36 for 239 yards, with 2 INTs and no touchdowns.  Through most of the game, Baltimore’s defense was holding the Pats to field goals and made the most out of their turnovers when it counted.

It was a game of inches and both teams had their fair share of bad plays.  From Woodhead fumbling on the return kickoff, to Flacco throwing an interception to Brandon Spikes late in the game, both teams had plenty of plays they wish they could have back.  For New England, it had to be a long interception batted in the end zone and picked off from the bad play action pass.  The Pats took the ball late into the 4th with a 3 point lead and had a chance to run the clock out, but were forced to punt back to Baltimore with 2 minutes left.  The Ravens drove far down the field and put up a hell of an effort to almost win the game outright.  Flacco attempted to hit Lee Evans in the end zone with 30 seconds left, which would have cemented a victory for them, but Sterling Moore broke up the sure touchdown.  Instead, they had to call in Billy Cundiff for a 32 yard field goal to tie the game and send it into overtime.  And like a scene out of a movie he shanked it wide left and gave the Pats a win.  I haven’t seen someone choke so bad since the Yankees in 04.  They went from almost winning the game, to losing the game in a matter of seconds.

But looking back on it, I couldn’t be more proud of the Pats with this win.  Tom Brady said it himself, he came out and played badly.  He threw 2 picks, and didn’t register a touchdown, his first game without one in 36 games.  But the rest of the team stepped their game up and won this game for #12.  He single-handedly won us games in the regular season, but this one was a team effort.  From Wilfork causing constant pressure on Flacco, to Spikes interrupting the run and getting a huge interception, and BGE running effectively early on.  The defense did exactly what they had to, and held the Ravens to only 20 points all game.  Did the Ravens blow the game?  Absolutely.  They could have had a touchdown late, and they should have had a field goal to tie it, but they blew both.  But I’ll take it, and so will the Patriots.

And in another nail biter with equally crazy plays, the New York Giants defeated the San Francisco 49ers to win the NFC Championship.  This is the rematch of the century, as New York was the only team to beat the 2007 Patriots, in the Super Bowl, in the final seconds.  That game is still fresh in all of our memories, and I expect the Pats to be fueled up to avenge that loss.  We have two weeks until then, and we’ll need it to prepare.  The Giants beat us in a heart breaker at home earlier this year, but we’ve won 10 straight since.  I know for sure the Pats will outscore the Giants, that isn’t even a question.  The whole team seems hungry, and Brady is gonna come back with a vengeance after his lackluster performance.

* Tough day for the Harbaugh family, huh?

* Gronkowski’s ankle better be good to go in 2 weeks

* Bob Kraft was definitely drunk when receiving the trophy

*Billy Cundiff will be stabbed by Ray Lewis in his sleep tonight

 

Man Claims It Was Really a Ghost That Punched His Wife

Huffington Post –  Rather than say “The Devil made me do it,” a Wisconsin man arrested on domestic abuse charges told police that a ghost punched his wife, authorities said.  Police responded to the disturbance call at approximately 8 p.m., Sunday, according to a Fond du Lac County Sheriff’s report obtained by The Smoking Gun. At the scene they found 41-year-old Michael West and his wife, who told cops that her husband twice attempted to strangle her and struck her in the face when she attempted to contact 911.  West told authorities that his wife sustained injuries as a result of several falls, The Northwestern reports. When an officer pressed the issue, West allegedly changed his alibi, opting instead for a supernatural excuse — “A ghost did it.”  West is charged with domestic abuse, strangulation, battery, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest. He remains in custody in lieu of $1,000 bail.

Michael West, you sand-bagging sonofabitch!  This has to take the cake for one of the best domestic abuse excuses ever.  I’m never gonna sit here and say that someone should get out of jail if they are found guilty of hitting their wife.  But if there’s ever a time where someone’s excuse for hitting their wife should get the charges dropped, then it’s this instance.  It’s just a great line,“a ghost did it.”  It’s so perfect.  It can be applied to literally anything.  Why were you smoking weed?  “A ghost did it.”  Why did you steal that car?  “A ghost did it.”  Why are you strangling your wife?  “A fucking ghost did it.”  How can you prove otherwise?  Sure, their may be witnesses or physical evidence that can prove your guilt, but can anyone disprove that a ghost really did it?  Some kind of spiritual entity could have done it, and that’s all I’d need to know if I was on a jury.  It’s the job of the state to prove within a reasonable doubt that someone is guilty of said crime.  If they can’t prove a ghost didn’t do it then you must acquit.  I’ll be waiting anxiously to see if this excuse works, but you better believe that I’m trying it out the next time I have a run in with the cops.

Hawaii 5-0’s Subway Product Placement is Retarded

Product placement is nothing new, television and movies have been subtle for years and slipped in a strategically placed Pepsi sign or Tampax ad in the background of a set.  People are supposed to subconsciously want to buy that product, and no one is really harmed in the end because fuck it, it was just a small Pepsi sign the character walked in front of.  But Hawaii 5-0 blatantly spit in every viewers face and pockets millions from Subway in this short clip.  What you see in this video is nothing more than a commercial for Subway slapped in the middle of an episode.  Now, I don’t watch this piece of shit show, but I’m guessing this fat fuck eating at a table with Subway products littered everywhere wasn’t a major plot point for the episode.  Not only that, but the dialogue was exactly what you’d find in an actual Subway commercial.  Which means this is about as blatant as you can get.  The balls on these guys!  Whether they know it or not, they’re setting a precedent with this product placement.  If people don’t revolt, pretty soon shows will be 12 minutes long with 20 minutes of commercials sprinkled into dialogue.  It’s almost as disgusting as this fat guy eating 5 subs like it ain’t no thing.

Woman Offers Sexual Favors for Chicken McNuggets

Burbank Leader –  A Los Angeles woman was arrested after she offered sexual favors in exchange for chicken McNuggets, Burbank police said.  Khadijah Baseer of Los Angeles reportedly opened customers’ car doors in the drive-thru of McDonald’s on the 1700 block of Olive Avenue about 11 p.m. Wednesday, asking for free chicken McNuggets in exchange for sexual favors, Officer Joshua Kendrick said.   A man told police Baseer approached him but he refused the offer.

What is going on with these fast food stories?  First, in a sign that the apocalypse is among us, Burger King decides to deliver, now we have prostitutes forcefully giving head for chicken McNuggets in the drive thru.  What the fuck are they putting in the chickens to make this woman bug out?  I mean, what we have here is a chickenhead, fucking for some chicken, and that’s a sentence I never thought I’d ever write in my life.  But come on Khadijah…McNuggets?  Really?  It’s like a dollar for four of these fuckers.  Blowjobs for a dollar’s worth of food?  Come on, you’re better than that.  At least try and get a few McDoubles out of the situation.  Something classy like angus burgers might be out of the question, but anything is better than McNuggets.  And if you do want to pull this off for sexual favors, you need to execute it better.  You don’t just run up on the drive thru and start opening doors and asking for nuggets while cupping their nuggets.  That’s poor form.

PS – Some guy really refused this offer and called the cops?  Come on.  I mean, if you don’t want a blowjob for cheap, then just politely say no and go home and eat your McDonald’s.  There’s no reason to get the police involved.  Then you’re just ruining it for the rest of us.

59 Dolphins “Mysteriously” Stranded on Cape Cod Beaches

NYDailyMail –  Animal welfare experts are trying to figure out what’s causing dozens of dolphins to get stranded on the beaches in Cape Cod this month.  A whopping 59 dolphins have been found onshore as of Tuesday, experts say. Of those 59, rescuers have been able to release 19 back in the water, Kerry Branon of the International Fund for Animal Welfare, which oversees the rescues, told the Daily News.  Experts said the sheer number of dolphins stranding is unusual — even for an area that has seen dolphins wash ashore for centuries.  “I’ve been doing this for 15 years and this is only the second season I’ve seen it like this,” Katie Moore, manager of the International Fund for Animal Welfare’s Marine Mammal Rescue and Research Program, told the Boston Globe.

You know why you’ve never seen anything like this Katie Moore?  It’s because there’s never been anyone on the internet that’s willing to take a stand against dolphins like I am.  And I don’t mean to keep beating a dead horse, but this story only confirms what I feared.  These dolphins are coming for me.  It’s not a coincidence that I come back out of unofficial retirement on this site, publish an article about dolphins, and then these fuckers start kamikaze beaching themselves right in my own back yard.  The Cape ain’t far from here, so I’m pretty sure the dolphin race is sending out scout dolphins to pinpoint exactly where I am.  I’m a threat to these raping assholes and they’re trying to snuff me out.  But I will never, and I repeat NEVER, back down to these porpoise fucks.  For decades they’ve cashed in on their cuteness and gotten away with raping humans every chance they got.  I’m not sitting back and letting it happen.  If I convert one person with these hyperbolic rants then I’ll have done my job.  I see you dolphins, I know you’re coming for me, but I’m not going anywhere.
PS – Check out the bitch crying in this picture.  Really?  You’re crying?  My beliefs on dolphins aside, you’re gonna cry because a bunch of the dumb dolphins decided to crash on the beaches of Cape Cod in the winter?  Get the fuck out of here with that shit.

Grandma Gets Hit By a Car…Walks it Off Like a Boss

Oh Shit!  Okay, first impressions, we have an overzealous old woman who’s looking to cross an extremely busy road in a foreign country.  There’s about 20 feet of distance between the two cars she jumps inbetween, so things aren’t looking so great for her.  But she believes she can shuffle and waddle her way across the road before the car going 45 would clip her.  She had the determination and balls but clearly not the brains, and because of that she got tossed.  But what did she do?  Did she cry?  Did she lay there all dead like 99% of women would do?  Fuck no.  She gets up, walks over to where her hat flew off her head, put it on, collected her shit and took a breather on the side of the road.  I’m pretty sure that somewhere around the checking for internal bleeding and collecting her shit there would be a slow clap building up from the crowd.  That’s why this granny could play on my team any day of the week and twice on Sundays.  Is she the brightest or most nimble in the group?  Hell no.  But she’s gonna get back up when she gets knocked down, and that’s what it’s all about.

New Facebook App “If I Die” Will Allow You to Compose Final Update

So everyone’s talking about this new If I Die app and how you can compose your final status update or video or whatever.  I can’t be the only one that thinks this is a terrible idea, right?  When I see status updates by friends or family, it usually proves that they have no mental filter or good decision making skills when it comes to what they put out there for friends to see.  Hell, I’m guilty of it myself.  But now people are going to be sitting down and thinking of their last words they want their friends to read and cry over after they die?  Does anyone else see how bad this can turn out?  Dumb girls, frat guys, incompetent parents…all trying to be the next Willy Shakespeare at the keyboard and tell people their great philosophical thoughts on life.  I can say there’s maybe 20 people on my friends list I’d actually cry if they died, but I don’t want to watch them doing a keg stand and yelling about the Bruins and having that be the last thing people are reminded of.

Rihanna Caught Smoking Weed

Hell yeah, get it girl.  Is there anything Rihanna does that isn’t awesome?  Whether she’s strutting her shit on the stage or taking a blunt to the face on vacation, she makes it look perfect.  Easily at the top of the list for celebrities I wouldn’t mind meeting and drooling over.  And now that I know that she’s a pothead I think I just fell in love.  There’s something about a gorgeous girl that smokes that just does it for me.

Someone cue the sexy music while I light this shit…

Burger King to Begin Home Deliveries

DailyMail –  In a move that is sure to send a shiver down the spines of anti-obesity campaigners everywhere, fast-food giant Burger King has announced plans to launch a home delivery service.  The nation’s second largest burger chain has been quietly testing the service at four of its restaurants in the greater Washington area.  For decades burger restaurants have resisted introducing home-delivery services as the snacks don’t travel well and tend to go soggy when warmed up in a microwave.  But Burger King claims to have solved the problem by developing what it calls ‘proprietary thermal packaging technology,’ which ensures the food won’t arrive cold and congealed.

If there’s one thing Americans need, it’s fast food delivery service.  Universal health care?  Pfffft.  It’s about time someone got our priorities straight.  No longer will we have to get up off the couch, throw on clothes, make a 10 minute drive, wait in line at the drive-thru, and then demolish 2000 calories in the parking lot because you’re too ashamed to eat inside.  It will be as easy as dialing a number, mumbling a combo number and waiting in your underwear on the sofa.  This is revolutionary!  This is awful!  This is America!

U.S. Military Trains Dolphins to Spy on Terrorists…The End of the World is Near

Well fuck.  This has to be the scariest news I’ve heard since I got the results back from my doctor.  Make no mistake about it, the military training dolphins to be spies will be the unraveling of mankind as we know it.  We already know how smart these porpoise pricks are, but now they’re getting military training?  This is terrible news.  Not only were these animals raping and pillaging in the water before the training, but now they’re actually more precise than sonar?  We humans don’t stand a chance.  At some point I have to put my foot down.  I for one will not be taking part in making these rapists smarter, and anyone that does should be charged with treason to the human race.  Dolphins are smarter than most humans, and now with the proper military training, it’s only a matter of time before we’re bowing down to Flipper and friends.  The Planet of the Apes could never happen, but if you don’t think dolphins could one day rule the world, you are naive my friend.