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What I Hate: Douchebags

This What I Hate is a long time coming.  Douchebags have grown in population throughout the world and its becoming an epidemic.  And honestly, I don’t understand how these guys are functional in normal society.  These bags of feminine hygiene wear bronzer until they look like Oompa Loompas, inject more human growth hormone than A-Rod, and watch Jersey Shore to get fashion tips and relationship advice.


But the scariest thing about douchebags is the effectiveness of their approach to females.  No matter how many girls say these guys aren’t their type, there are an equal amount of girls that fall for this shit.  So what if 80% of their wardrobe consists of wife beaters?  So what if they smell like Axe and hair gel 24/7?  So what if they stare at themselves in the mirror when having sex with you?  A lot of girls find that shit hot.  Maybe it goes back to the whole Alpha Male natural selection thing that’s wired into female’s DNA.  They think because they see one of these d-bags, they are looking at the leader of the pack, the guy every other guy is jealous of.  They would be wrong.

(“You guys are haters.” – D-bag)

The problem here is that these douchebags really think that the are Alpha Males.  They have it built up in their heads that they are God’s gift to women, can beat up any other guy they see, and are 2 seconds away from being discovered by a modeling agent at Planet Fitness.  They think that masculinity is directly proportionate to the number of bench presses you can do in a minute.  So even though they make pouty faces when they take pictures, and even though they take longer than girls to get ready, they believe they are the shit.  I really don’t get it.  I’m a self-proclaimed asshole.  I know that, and I’m proud of it.  But these guys really don’t think they are douchebags.  They’ll sit there with their popped collar and tribal tattoo and think they are original and cool.  What they don’t see is that they are cookie-cutter clones of every other guy with a tanning membership.  That is why I hate douchebags.  I don’t care if girls like them or not.  Girls are attracted to all sorts of things I don’t understand.  But the lack of originality and self-denial is the thing that really makes me hate them.  But as long as one of these guys gets laid because of his blinged out cross or his blow out haircut, they will exist in our society.  And I weep for our future.